You know I have questioned the exchange of sex for love confusion senario my whole life. I honestly believe it is true. I never persued the urges with anyone. but my uncle who abused me.

My dad drank and was never their emotionally or physically most of the time. And when he was I was scared of him. (he yelled and screamed and spanked a lot). My mom worked nights slept days and yelled a lot (their were seven kids). (older kids raised us younger kids basically). Feared my parents all thru my childhood.

Was abused from 8 to 12 by a family friend, Then the abuse happened again from 17 to mid 20's by my uncle that was 50 when it started. I thought that this was love and craved the attention from older mature authorative father type figures.

My allowing this to happen I thought meant that I had to be gay and hated my self for it. So i drank, partied, dated as many women as I could.(all one night stands) Drove fast cars and never cared about weather I lived or died.

Then at 30 I moved away from my family to try to figure my life out and go staight so to speak. (mostly to get away from my uncle)

But the mental torment just kept fallowing me until some fatal family events caused to much depression and I crashed emotionally.

I have spent my life succeding just to give away everthing I work for, trying to make up for the dirty, disgusting person I thought I was.

Now I know I am a good person, And hope God understands my past. Because it still creates some issues for me at times yet. But I do know I am not or at least refuse to be gay.

I am determined to put the past in the past and build a brighter future,


Life is to dammed long to be this dammed depressed and unhappy.