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#131647 - 10/17/04 10:06 PM How to Proceed from Here?
sonlite Offline

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Hello, please be patient w me on this one ...

1. I feel very confused and don't know where to go. As per so many male survivors I am having attraction questions which seem to consistently follow me. I lack faith in my self to just follow my heart, or my hard-on.

2. About eight out of ten women seem attractive to me. And only about one out of twenty guys, will I think that he's cute. I know about the continuum of hetero and homo-sexual identity and I can be at peace w accepting that I am way more on the hetero side, and accepting that I have some homosexual interests.

3. There have been times when I find myself looking at guys at the gym and when I analyze myself and my motivation for lookng at them it seems more about (a) I envy their penis size or (b) I am drawn to just raw sexuality, w/out any desire for relationship or companionship. This disturbs me bc I don't want to accept that I think of others just in sexual terms.

4. I signed up for a gay personals site and so many of the ads are just pictures of guys' penises and so many ads just talk about "hooking up for no strings fun". I have to honestly admit that at times no-strings-fun seems attractive. But another romantic part of me rejects sexuality (w women as well as men) as just a fun activity - as if sexuality were no more different a 'fun' activity than meeting a stranger for a cup of coffee.

5. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a part of me which believes connection and deep interpersonal and spiritual bonding was the main reason for sexuality. With w my last girlfriend, I had sexual experiences w her which felt, dare I say it "holy"(?), in that I felt not just close w my loving her, but I felt close and bonded w God too. But my love for my ex-girlfriend existed outside of the bedroom, as well [sad-moment, bc I miss her].

6. * btw Girlfriend broke up w me at the end of July ('04) bc when there was any kind of criticism or disagreement I would feel ashamed or scared and shut down and avoid her. Also there were just different interests in spiritual beliefs bc mine are still forming.

7. So, moving on ... I am moving to my own apt. next month. And I will not have to contend w the likes/dis-likes of my current Bible-thumping roommate who if he knew I were having issues w sexuality would not have a kind response. Having my own apartment will mean that I have the freedom to experiment some w issues of relationships and sexuality in my own space.

8. This freedom is as scary as it is exciting. It is also very, very, confusing bc I have a part of me that deep, deep down says ...

9. "I want a tall, pretty wife, and a family. I want to be a dad and do the sippie-cups and safety seats and soccer practice stuff". "I want Love, I want Beautiful".

10. Another part of me gets so angry at myself bc the time I waste on this issue is time I could be working on other important parts of my life. But I have to accept that I am getting more comfortable w allowing myself the space to explore and perhaps even enjoy the experience of looking at naked men and wondering about getting naked w a cute man, even though I can't imagine me ever coming home to a man.

11. So if I do go about exploring? How should I do it? How have others dealt w the emotional up (Acceptance) and down (self-critical) issues of sexuality? I am an attractive guy so I will have no problem finding "suitors". But it is wierd when my desires for a male only come in phases.

12. I feel scared and nervous and excited and abhorrent and disconnected from a unified sense of self and desire. How to procede from here?

thanks for listening.

#131648 - 10/19/04 06:49 AM Re: How to Proceed from Here?
Pete2004 Offline

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Sonlite:

I went back and read some of your posts and survivor story. I feel for you and wish you the very best. Iím fairly new here and find that it is difficult for me to express through writing my thoughts. I am getting better at it however.

I can relate to your desires for a wife and family all the while periodically having desires for that close intimate (sexual) relationship with a guy, for me, not just any guy, but one who would accept me for who I really am, would be attracted to me and vice versa, and who is masculine. As I have been dealing with this SA, it has occurred to me, it is the camp counselor, one of the perps that abused me, that I am still looking for!

I find that everything rocks along OK with the hetero thing until the pressures of life, (such as a wife who is ill) and a son who has attained the age that I was first abused arrived. Then the coping mechanisms that worked for 25 years donít work any longer. Gay porn sites are way to easy to access and chat rooms! That is a whole other story. However, It was mainly acting out, unsatisfying, looking in the wrong place, trying to fill that ocean size hole within me with the very things that helped create it!

I encourage you to continue dealing with the affects of the sexual abuse so that you can make decisions on your sexuality from a position of health and not from a position of a wounded life, soul and spirit.

My intent is to be of help; I hope this does.



There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

#131649 - 10/31/04 10:22 PM Re: How to Proceed from Here?
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hello, John,

Above all, I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself.

As a gay man who was sexually abused, I can say that it seems that I went through a long period of confusion about my sexual orientation also.

That leads me now to believe that the uncertainty and mixed feelings I suffered were a direct result of the sexual abuse.

As I focus my energy on recovery from the effects of the sexual abuse, my confusion and uncertainty lessened and my acceptance of my sexuality (whatever it was) grew exponentially.

Today I find myself to be reasonably well adjusted and to actually be able to experience some joy in the knowledge of myself as a sexual being.

My point is, keep it in mind that you are not seeking to recover from being you. You are seeking to recover from the trauma of abuse.

With those injuries healed and that trauma soothed, you will be fine, just as you already are.

I went through many, many years confused--gay, straight, in, out, hidden, disclosed--and it was not until I confronted the sexual abuse in a healing and self affirming manner that any meaningful change occurred.

Other 'coping mechanisms' as someone has said, turned out to be simply changing seats on the Titanic.

Hope this helps.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White


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