Yes, that's exactly what I think that we're talking about, at least for me. What I have thought about, fantasized, has been those things that have ?kept me in my place,? deep in the shit pile. From what my therapy has taught me is that I kept myself from accomplishing anything ?worthwhile.? In other words, and I probably don?t have to explain anymore than I have, but when I thought of doing anything that would have gotten me what I wanted, I would drift into those thoughts and fantasies and stay stuck in the pile. I have never been able to work successfully for anyone else, and my overall work history is sketchy, at best. Anyone else?
I think we build the shit pile, because we can't find a place to put the things into normal perspective, we put them on the shit pile, and think? I will work on that one, or that one, we put them all there, and as they mount up, we lose control of how much shit, we have accumulated.
We go in and address some of it, but hey, some of it you can't address, so it gets left there, and the festering mess gets left, eating away, and knawing at why you can,t address it, I say now, when I meet some problem, that I can't workout from the past, I try to just erase it from the pile.
It is hard for a kid to work out what is happening in life, without having to put the shit pile in order within his mind, normally a kid will live with a normal mind that is not affected by the Trauma of abuse, they learn to understand the way they are meant to be, I remember when I was a kid trying so hard to pick up the pieces of what I should be, by watching the other kids, I watched them like a hawk, trying so hard to learn what made them so care free.
I always wondered what it was like to be a normal kid!
The problem with the above, was that they were watching me, and trying to learn off me, that was totally confusing, but if I remember, I was the one who always could sort out the bullies, and I had sort of reasoning, that they couldn't figure.
Suppose another thing, I was always tops at sports, I could outrun everyone in the school, I was good at football, I honed my mind to be the best, the running I suppose, was to get away from anyone who wanted to do these things again, the football took my mind off the a***e.
I think in all of this Dave, we have had so much of a battering mentally as kids, that we always appeared to be the strongest in the group, we paid for it with our childhoods' we never let anyone see what was the driving force behind it, because we didn't dare, for fear of what we could face.
Because we have to be so strong in childhood, we miss so much of the pleasure of real play, play without destructive thought, I remember thinking.
Why do they all want to know me? Don't you see what's going on inside? But then again it is so strong an illusion to them, that you are the kid they want to know, you can never show them the crying child within.
They just see you as??? I will never know.
BTW my teachers said, you are the one to get there out of all the school, but faced with the pile of shit, is it any wonder we get anywhere? I hope you can get on top of it, I am clearing the mess all the time, it can be done.
Think, that's where confusion starts