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#131509 - 08/19/04 04:42 AM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3594
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I hear ya on the sexual confusion issue Marc

I myself have been confused for as long as I remember

I don't consider myself straight - I don't consider myself gay - and I don't consider myself as being Bi either

I have had a few relations with women years ago but it somehow did'nt feel right - just a mechanical thing... - no feelings attached

I have never had relations with a man outside of the abuse (but I can remember how right that felt - which makes me feel not so good to remember now) - my religious beliefs forbid me from ever willingfully haveing relations with another man (sorry if you don't agree with this - but it's written right in the bible and is a law of which I will not break)

I actualy prefer to think of myself as a non-sexual being (is that possible? - is there even a category for this?) - to look at naked forms of males or females does nothing for me - I just see bodies - nothing more...

Confusion??? - you bet I'm confused...

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

#131510 - 08/19/04 05:11 AM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
yesac76 Offline

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Sexual identity issues?! Well, I hav many issues! I am attracted to women, but I have a thing for checking out other guys at urinals. I don't want to have sex with these men, but I am curious about what they are packing. I have tried to rationalize this, but I have no idea why I am compelled to check out other men. Confusing!

"You live it or lie it" Metallica

#131511 - 08/19/04 11:44 AM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
FastForward Offline

Registered: 08/10/04
Posts: 188
Loc: US
TJ jeff,

Thanks! I needed that. I suppose I am not confused about sexual aspect of things because the way I was raised made it very clear who goes with whom - men and women. Having focused on living that made it stick. So I am like you, I do not mess with the rules.

I also view all bodies the way you do. I do it because I believe in marriage and, with God's help, chose to be attracted that way to one person. The more I live it, the stronger it becomes. Perhaps my background and military training thaught me that sometimes it is not comfortable or easy to do the right thing.

That is just me. But it is good to know that I am not out there by myself. THANKS.


L&P - always.

#131512 - 08/19/04 09:11 PM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Sexual identity?

Well, up until a few years ago, I indentified myself as straight, but wasn't adverse to a sexual experimentation or two with men.

Then I developed a crush on one of my postgrad professors, and he was a man. Damn fine looking one too! This, of course was when I was still repressing.

So this led me to think about if I was gay or bi? No offense to those who are bi, but I always though this was a really selfish (or lucky?) orientation. As in, you're never short on possibilities for Saturday night. So I didn't want to be bi, but I sure as Hell didn't want to be gay because of society's views on homosexuality.

Then, I got the memories back, and my body responded during the flashbacks and still responds unconciously when I think about the abuse and this has led to a whole LOT of guilt. It was rape, but why did I respond this way? Was I really a dirty little boy? Was I gay and "want" it?

Before I got the memories back, but probably under the subconscious influence of them, I started meeting guys for anonymous sex. Both situations ended badly. One particularly horribly, as I was rapes at gunpoint.

With my same-sex experiences being the result of abuse or assault (at the very least, indifference with one of my "partners," you'd think I'd be so very not-"gay" now. Truthfully, this isn't the case. I've had one encounter with someone who was very caring and I'm currently about to re-enter a relationship I thought headed for the "friendship" turnpike. He's the only person outside my family and small circle of friends whose ever treated me with total respect and humanity.

So what does that make me? Gay? Straight? Bi? Apart from the abuse, which leads sex to be a very careful thing, I say it doesn't really matter who I love, as long as it's real love.

There are those who think homosexuality is wrong, but can they honestly say so? Base it on the Bible, and you'll find a lot of other behaviors condemned, that we just don't agree with anymore. Say that it isn't "natural?" Guess again, because there's a lot of examples of homosexuality in the animal kingdom.

I don't care anymore. I am that I am. I'm just so pissed off at the morons in my life who've made the whole finding-out procedure so screwed up.

I went on a LOT longer than I meant to, but I felt I needed to say it.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#131513 - 08/20/04 12:51 AM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
CFO Dave Offline

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA
I say it doesn't really matter who I love, as long as it's real love

You've got it here. To me, this is Bi. If you find that you are attracted to either sex as long as it's real love. It's just the love that matters.


"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

#131514 - 08/23/04 09:38 AM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
fusionoflove Offline

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
To Marc and everyone that replied,

I'm an adult male survivor, not a child. I do not have all the answers, but I think I can provide a unique perspective on things.

Marc, checking out breasts. No, I have gay friends at work. They've told me they check out women all the time. That surprised me, until I realized I've checked out guys, but in either case it wasn't in a sexual manner. For example, when I was 15 or 16 I was into working out. I wanted to attract more women, but I'd check out guys in bodybuilding magazines. It wasn't because I wanted to have sex with them, I wanted to be them. I'm not saying you want to be a woman. It just that you're checking them out.

Yesac76, man after the rape and I didn't understand why, but I was afraid of public bathrooms. I felt that every guy was trying to check me out, like he was sizing me up. Maybe you're doing as a defense mechanism. If I check him out, it's a way to protect yourself. I'm not sure though.

I guess in the end, it all comes down to who gets you going. Who makes your heart flutter and puts an extra bounce in your step?

Take it easy,

#131515 - 08/23/04 11:36 PM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Marc, TJ, Casey, Fast, CFO, Scot, Fusion,

“I don't care anymore. I am that I am. I'm just so pissed off at the morons in my life who've made the whole finding-out procedure so screwed up.”

This has always been a source of my frustration as well. Even when I asked, point blank, when I was 10, “how does the seed…I thought that it was a seed…pass from the man to the woman, is it when they kiss?” All I got was uproarious laughter from my mom and sister. No invitation that I take a walk with my father or book handed to me, just laughter. Well, that cured me from asking anymore questions. My buddies had all of the answers, of course, and the perp that got to me at that age had all of the wrong ideas of how younger boys were treated.

The other point that I feel compelled to comment about reminds me of a discussion we had here sometimes ago and it revolved around, what I think that we called then, being penis shy, or urinal shy. We discussed then, how some of us used stalls instead of urinals, because of all of the uncomfortable feelings of being exposed and seeing others exposed when standing next to others, and maybe even those we do know, while urinating.

I know that I did not feel self conscious or shy when I, “wrote in the snow,” with my friends when I was younger, but things changed a lot after the abuse.

Did the abuse that happened to me change my normal sexual development?
Let me count the ways.

How have I managed to get married and stay married for all of these years?
Sometimes I answer that by saying that she just hasn’t kicked me out, yet!
Now, while I’m in the heat of therapy, I find that I need more, “cave time,” and I pray to God that she gives me a little more space to allow for my ‘absence.’

My therapist answers the above by saying that I, “lucked out in the relationship department, you just had trouble in the career area,” he says in gross understatement.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I was just following my normal ADD response to the world while attempting to make a point…my nickname at home isn’t, “windows,” for nothing.

Peace and courage,


"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#334942 - 06/30/10 05:24 AM Re: Sexual Identity vs Bi or Gay Sexuality [Re: Ivanhoe]
Debora68 Offline

Registered: 06/30/10
Posts: 1
Well into the mid 20th century a middle-aged bachelor could be described as "gay", indicating that he was unattached and therefore free, without any implication of homosexuality. This usage could apply to women too. The British comic strip Jane was first published in the 1930s and described the adventures of Jane Gay. Far from implying homosexuality, it referred to her free-wheeling lifestyle with plenty of boyfriends



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