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#131500 - 12/12/06 07:57 PM Re: Open for business
Blakanezebruh Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/12/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Miami, FL
hello all i am a newbie. i've flirted with finding more info. via the web in regards to my abuse and sexuality for years. i am now ready to be a part of a forum where this sensitive area of my life can be discussed more openly and honestly.
due to my abuse i have been engaging in sexual practices since i was four. the first menage a trois i experienced i was seven with two girls. i also experienced numerous sexual encounters with males througout childhood.
eventually the encounters with girls stopped altogether as my abuse continued. i began to struggle with the feelings i still possess and not being "man" enough for women. i have been promiscuous in pursuits of some sort of magical connection where it all makes sense and where i will feel loved. i have experimented with all facets of male sex. there is initial pleasure but before the encounter is done i often feel disgusted,ashamed and completely uninterested. my abusers often told me how gay or girly i was so i believed them. i didnt identify with being a female and i didnt identify with other males. even as i attempt friendships with gay men i feel a seperation. am i meant to be a priest or hermit? i ask myself.
i am also obsessed with pornographic imagery that remind me of the abuse.
im now at a point where i am tired of these ridiculous pursuits and this compulsiveness with pornography and masturbation. i have never completely identified with homosexuality, as i am attracted to both sexes. i am completely open to having a relationship with a female BUT my insecurity in this area is much larger than my desire for a relationship.
id like to heal my emotional and psychological wounds once and for all...i've been through therapy which has given me more understanding but i havent been able to overcome these struggles as of yet.
thank you for setting up this site. i've come to help and be helped. if nothing else to share and listen to the concerns of others.

collectively our voices heal

#131501 - 12/12/06 09:48 PM Re: Open for business
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
This thread is kind of a dead end from an introduction of this forum. I'm moving it to a new topic in Sexual Identity Issues so you may get more feedback.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#144742 - 03/09/07 11:30 PM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Tattooman Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 2
Loc: PA, USA
Mr Singer,
I stumbled onto this site when I was looking for some more help with my DID. I have had alters that have integreted and when the one homosexual one integrated it caused my whole personality to be turned upside down. I have been married for 24 years and yet I now have these fantasies about men all stemming from my abuse issues. It seems life was so much easier when I had them forgotten. One of my old therapists said that Your mind will give you your memory back when you are ready to remember. I wish I could forget again. We often have done terrible things to myself, fortunately not requiring major medical attention. I appreciated the excerpt from your writing. It is something that I have been dealing with for a long time since the molestations.. Thank You for this Thread

There were ten of us now there are 7

#187250 - 10/15/07 09:50 AM Re: Open for business [Re: Tattooman]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
Well I"m very glad to found this website as for me it helps to know that I"M not alone, as this is how most of my life seemed, I really struggled with my identy for a long time, after being abused by my uncle at 10, then raped by a friend at 12 who i trusted with this information and then sexually assulted again at 16 by an complete stranger, I really felt like I had a sign above my head, for me, women's lingerie is my turn on or crossdressing as some say, and I always struggled with why and who i am, i seem to have regular relationships and know that I only want to be with women, and now have found my soul mate who has accepted this part of my turn on's......but still it somehow always plays on my head, why crossdressing is such a turn on for me, wondering if anyone has similar thoughts, or how they deal with the issues.......or thoughts on just accepting who you are, as I always wonder if this is who i am, or am i thinking this way from my abuse and rape.........

#189406 - 10/31/07 03:19 PM Re: Open for business [Re: bmac]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
any body else have similar thoughts or hardships..

#189441 - 10/31/07 10:02 PM Re: Open for business [Re: bmac]
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
bmac - would you mind starting a new thread with this? I think your post gets lost in this thread - i KNOW you will get more response and support if you just start a new one.
Welcome to MS. This is a great place. The guys will respond if they see your post - I promise. And you will find you are not at all alone.

#191725 - 11/17/07 04:32 PM Re: Open for business [Re: Paul1959]
bmac Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/28/07
Posts: 27
Loc: Atlantic Canada
thanks, paul, i have, appreciate the heads up...

#197497 - 01/01/08 02:26 AM Re: Open for business [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
bwh Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/28/07
Posts: 4
Hi Ken,

my name is Brandon, and I am dealing with some things for the first time in about 37 years or so. I was trying to find a long-term facility for sexual/physical abuse can you help me. I am on Medicare if that matters. Please Help.

Thank You,


#204018 - 02/07/08 04:51 PM Re: confused and searching for answers [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
I have been married for over 30 years and have only recently got in touch with the fact that I was sexually abused by my mother. I now realize that I have spent my whole life repressing this reality. I am only now beginning to understand what I did in response to it and the enormity of what this did to me and the huge impact that this has had on my life. I, like many others, put in place as a child a series of defenses to help me deal with the abuse. The problem was that these defensive behaviours served to isolate me from the reality at the time and as such continue today - resulting in - isolation, lack of trust, lack of intimacy etc. I have just started therapy. A major force for getting me into therapy stemmed from my confusion regarding my sexuality. Prior to acknowledging my sexcual abuse - I found myself developing very strong sexual urges to be with a male - questions raced through my head - am I gay? Bi? Hetero? - in spite of living a hetero life - I was thoroughly confused and still am to some degree as to my sexual orientation. I began acting out my sexual urges to see if I was gay and have been with males and have had sex with them on a number of occasions. From these experiences I have come to realize that a very large part of my confsuion related to my craving for intimacy - I did not seem to be attracted to men on the street and was not checking them out but yet I did have a very strong attraction to the male penis (the centre of my mothers attention)- I enjoyed the physical contact with these men - certainly found it easier (much more relaxed) to be with them than females. Today - at some level - it is slowing beginning to make some sense to me - being fearful of my mother (and women in general)would certainly make it easier for me to be with a male. Because of my isolation and non-trust - building intimate relationshsips was always a problem - so I have lived my life in somewhat of a suspended state - half way between women and men - I guess this is the safe place to be (so my child within would say) but very lonely. I now realize that with the abuse - I took on a submissive role - did not show anger - if I did my mother would cry and my father would chastise me for making her cry. I learned to do what I was told - to repress my anger - with the result that the female side of my being flourished whereas the the male side was supressed and negated in the environment in which I was raised. I am now thinking that much of my confusion regarding my sexuality is a result of this paradigm - I was separated from my maleness at a young age - in a non-trusting environment. To be safe - I had to not be a male. As an adult - not being sure of my sexual identity has resulted -in me not trusting and being in an approach/avoidance type of conflict - wanting the close friendship with a male on the one hand but fearing it on the the other (homophobia)- how could I risk it - I might find out that I am gay - I don't want to be gay - but what if I am - this was the internal dialogue that went on. I had to go there to find out - this led to me seeking out males. I haven't been with a male now for about 6 months - the urges are less - but in some way I think that this urge has more to me wanting to re-connect with the male side of my being than it has to do with whether or not I am gay, bi or hetero - as I regain this side of my being - the gay issue seems to becoming less of an issue - am I bi? I don't know yet - but I will stick with the journey and let this answer itself once I feel fully connected to the male side of my being - I hope that this sturggle of mine may help to shed some light on the struggles that other survivors may be having related to their sexual identity. It sure is confusing but hopefully it will sort itself out with time - take care and have a good one - D

Edited by dave999 (02/08/08 12:07 AM)

#204069 - 02/07/08 11:07 PM Re: Open for business [Re: dave999]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Dave, I want to reply to your post, but I need to think about it for a day. A lot of what you said fits me as well, but I may have a bit of a different perspective. Anyway, I'll write more soon.

In the meantime, I wanted to make the same suggestion to you that Paul made to BMAC; Cut and paste your post into a new thread in this forum, with a title worthy of the subject. You'll get a lot more resonses if it's not buried on page 4 of this thread. Just my suggestion.


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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