I decided that I want to share with you one more trauma from my life.
It is not CSA related.
Be aware that I do not want to make you feel bad because of it.
My intention is just to talk about it because I couldn't speak for years with anyone about it (I suppose bad CSA influence on me).
Today I know that I never should suppress all feelings and memories about really bad events.
My twin brother, with who I never spoke about it before, always knew how much I was hurt (sometimes is really incredible feeling to have someone who can read your mind and vice versa
). He confronted me with the memories 10 years after the event and memories started to come from the shadows of mine mind and I started to think about it more and more and that was beginning of my healing process.
It is about my mother and her death.
After birth of me and my brother doctors told my mother that she had terrible illness in one of the last phases and that she will have just 2-3 years to live in best case.
During my childhood I was aware that my mother was ill. She was often at the hospital, our house was full of medications etc. but my mother wanted to gave us as much as possible normal childhood so we never had any clue how much the situation was serious.
Will for living and wish to spend as much as possible time with us were main reasons why my mother lived many years more than doctors had predicted.
The day of her death came on time when my family was not ready at all for it. My family was in the middle of trip to my grandmother's farm hundreds of kilometres away on east from my town.
The mother started to collapse on horrible way. The scene was terrible with a lot of blood that my mother threw away from her lungs.
People from the village when that happened surrounded us and they took my brother, sister and me away from that scene.
In few seconds huge mass of people were surrounding our car.
I didn't remember where was my father, I think that he tried to call emergency car.
Suddenly, already in shock I realized that my mother would die surrounded with people that she didn't know. I stood and quickly started to run through people. They wanted to stop me but I rejected them with all my strength and no one could stop me.
I came to her and I hug her with my arms. She couldn't speak but was aware what was happening. She was so glad to see me by her.
Her eyes were full of love, we looked on each other and I felt as time stopped ticking.
Few moments after everything was over. She was gone.
My father came and he and other men took her from me.
They rushed to the hospital but I knew that everything was over.
I never forgot last expression of my mother's eyes.
I needed 10 years to be able to face all memories about that event. During that 10 years my heart was like stone and I was emotionless.
I couldn't speak about it because I couldn't cope with so much pain. Like many times in my life I needed a lot of time but time didn't wait for me.
I was 14 when everything happened and was already survivor. Two years later I witnessed bloody war in my country.
Life can be despite all good things sometimes very complicated.