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#129377 - 10/14/04 04:32 PM Sharing of bad, not CSA, memories
Ivo Offline

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
I decided that I want to share with you one more trauma from my life.
It is not CSA related.
Be aware that I do not want to make you feel bad because of it.
My intention is just to talk about it because I couldn't speak for years with anyone about it (I suppose bad CSA influence on me).

Today I know that I never should suppress all feelings and memories about really bad events.
My twin brother, with who I never spoke about it before, always knew how much I was hurt (sometimes is really incredible feeling to have someone who can read your mind and vice versa \:\) ). He confronted me with the memories 10 years after the event and memories started to come from the shadows of mine mind and I started to think about it more and more and that was beginning of my healing process.

It is about my mother and her death.

After birth of me and my brother doctors told my mother that she had terrible illness in one of the last phases and that she will have just 2-3 years to live in best case.
During my childhood I was aware that my mother was ill. She was often at the hospital, our house was full of medications etc. but my mother wanted to gave us as much as possible normal childhood so we never had any clue how much the situation was serious.
Will for living and wish to spend as much as possible time with us were main reasons why my mother lived many years more than doctors had predicted.

The day of her death came on time when my family was not ready at all for it. My family was in the middle of trip to my grandmother's farm hundreds of kilometres away on east from my town.
The mother started to collapse on horrible way. The scene was terrible with a lot of blood that my mother threw away from her lungs.
People from the village when that happened surrounded us and they took my brother, sister and me away from that scene.
In few seconds huge mass of people were surrounding our car.
I didn't remember where was my father, I think that he tried to call emergency car.
Suddenly, already in shock I realized that my mother would die surrounded with people that she didn't know. I stood and quickly started to run through people. They wanted to stop me but I rejected them with all my strength and no one could stop me.
I came to her and I hug her with my arms. She couldn't speak but was aware what was happening. She was so glad to see me by her.
Her eyes were full of love, we looked on each other and I felt as time stopped ticking.

Few moments after everything was over. She was gone.

My father came and he and other men took her from me.
They rushed to the hospital but I knew that everything was over.
I never forgot last expression of my mother's eyes.
I needed 10 years to be able to face all memories about that event. During that 10 years my heart was like stone and I was emotionless.
I couldn't speak about it because I couldn't cope with so much pain. Like many times in my life I needed a lot of time but time didn't wait for me.

I was 14 when everything happened and was already survivor. Two years later I witnessed bloody war in my country.

Life can be despite all good things sometimes very complicated.


#129378 - 10/14/04 10:25 PM Re: Sharing of bad, not CSA, memories
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ivo I cannot begin to understand the effect of your mother dying in your arms or of war. What I can see is a strong man who is full of love and kindness for us here and who is opening his life like an onion, one layer at a time. And we see that good man peeking out.

Your mother is a part of you forever and that is special. And I pray that wars will end. I guess I am a dreamer.



#129379 - 10/15/04 12:27 AM Re: Sharing of bad, not CSA, memories
Thomas Offline

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise

Thank you for sharing that. In 1995, my mother died as I held her hand. I still have not sorted out all of those feelings. Again, thank you.


To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

#129380 - 10/15/04 01:24 AM Re: Sharing of bad, not CSA, memories
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...

it is so good that your mother stayed with you for as long as she could, she must have been such a fighter. I am glad you got to see her loving eyes before she went, I know, that to a loving child, it can mean everything in the World.

I am also sorry, she had to leave you this way, I too felt this of my father, who only was given six weeks to live, he fought all his life with problems he should never have faced, due to my SA.
I too held his hand when he died, I remembered all the things I should have said to him in the past, but never did, because of the pain.

I too have a brother, he is not my twin, but younger than me, but I know the feeling of him being able to read his mind, and he reads mine, we are so very close, because of the things we shared in the past. I cant recall ever having a single argument with him because we are so close, and to argue would be futile as he justs looks into me, and I end up laughing. The same is true, if I try it on him.

Is this real friendship with siblings? I talked with him a few weeks ago, and he said things, about the past which I have memory blocks in recalling, he does not know why I blank out so much the past, he got through so much easier than I did.

I am glad he did, I did not ever want him to be hurt the way I was. I always protected him, and now he is so much bigger than me, he has protected me in the past.

Even through the pain, we seem to be able to touch others so much, we make people laugh even through the pain we suffer, people can't see the pain in us, but they can sense maybe a feeling of real goodness and warmth.

I am sorry you have to suffer war in your Country, I hate war, and it serves no purpose, it triggers me no end, when I think innocent people get caught up in this shit. I feel so low to think that people need to war against other nations, and innocent people are hurt.

The truth is though, that most people do not even know what goes on in War, maybe they open their eyes for once.

Thank you for sharing this,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#129381 - 10/15/04 02:31 AM Re: Sharing of bad, not CSA, memories
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Very touching to me as it has only been a couple of years since I lost my mom. Unfortunately, I never got to say goodbye to her and only found out about the car accident long after it was over. I called the emergency room of the hospital that night and talked to someone on duty. I just had to connect with her somehow. It was a tough night and I will never forget that day (everything that I was doing, eating... etc). It is firmly implanted on my mind.

Since that time, I've done a lot of work on this because my father kept me and my mom separated for the previous 10 years. I'm pretty sure my mom was a survivor too (and also at the hands of my father) so she is in a much better place now.

It is amazing though that I see her in many ways and forms and places around me. It may be in the park or it may be through another person. I've felt her presence all around me and that is comforting. I do miss her greatly, but it is helpful for me to know she is around me.

It is good though that you are now in a place where you can talk about it in your life. That speaks volumes of the healing you have already done in your life.

My heart goes out to you and I am honored that you shared this because it touches me deeply regarding my own mom.


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