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#129240 - 09/29/04 04:33 AM MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
jimrh Offline

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
If this site is for the support of men to overcome the victimization of boys and men (us) then what is the pupose of women on this site and specifically, what is the purpose of women on this site outside of the Family and Friends Forum and especially, what is the purpose of allowing women as moderators on this board?

Perhaps this groups needs to change it's name to Survivors....overcoming the victimization of women and men? Maybe we need to be bigger than just concentrating on boys/men as victims?

#129241 - 09/30/04 12:42 AM Re: MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
The two Family & Friends forums are for anyone who finds themselves in a position of helping a Survivor.
That can include male or female friends, wives, partners, Gay partners or mothers and fathers.
I think we've had all those using the forum at some time or another.
We have also had numerous couple here at MS, the guy on the Male forums and the partner on the Family & Friends.

For those of us who are blessed with someone to support us then a place like this invaluable.
And for those caring about Survivors who don't ever come to MS the same is true.
For instance, where else can a mother get so much help, support and advice when she discovers that her son has been abused?
We "KNOW" what goes on, "WE" can offer so much of what she needs to know "WE" can make a huge difference.

That's why we have a Family & Friends forum, to get everyone involved "involved".
Personally I'll accept help from wherever it comes, male, female, the man in the moon if he's got some magic cure!

I also spend a lot of time in the Family & Friends forums supporting and helping those that come there. For me it's a two way thing, the interaction between partners and myself teaches me so much towards understanding the way I behave in my own personal relationships, and I hope that my explantions of my behaviours go some way to their understanding of their partners, friends or family members behaviours.

Because the forum is predominatly female it was felt that a female Moderator would be the ideal choice.
SAR has been at MS for a long time, with good reason. And the respect, support and help she showed to everyone she 'talked' to here was outstanding, so we asked her to join the Moderating Team, which she did.
Since then she's become a vital part of MS, and someone for whom I have complete respect and offer total support, and will continue to do so.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#129242 - 09/30/04 03:05 AM Re: MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
Pollyanna Offline

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Hi Jimrh

I figured I'd tell you why I came here. That reason no longer exists, but I grew to care about some people here during that time, so I still pop in from time to time.

I came to the site because there was a young man who came to stay with our family who needed help that I didn't know how to give him. Legally we couldn't seek professional help because he was under 18. This place was a Godsend.

I received TONS of help from people here, but the REAL learning for me came from reading what "the guys" had to they felt about things, how they reacted, how they were getting through things. I learned a little of some things I could possibly expect, and what would be "normal" in light of what had happened to the boy. I think most of all I learned to trust my own judgement and my heart. Sometimes the guys preferred if women didn't read something they wrote, and they would say something like...please ladies don't read...or something like that. I respected that. I imagine the others did too.

I posted mostly in the F&F, but PM'd people quite frequently also. I think the reason I did that was because after being here for awhile, and beginning to understand, I wanted to be a support, or at least something positive to people I came to care about. If someone was having a particularly hard day, if I could say something to make it just a teeny bit better, I wanted to. I wanted to give back to people who gave me so much. When things got rocky for my situation, several people from here were watching my back in a couple capacities, and I can't TELL you what that means to me.

I know it's a guy place, and I hope you don't feel like we are invading your safe place. Those of us here are really committed to being a support in a positive way. I hope you can feel it. It means a lot when the guys come to the F&F and give feedback on what the partners or moms or whatever concerned parties are doing or trying to do. There is no greater teacher than experience.

I think SAR does a great job and she knows her stuff. Also having her there, I think would free up some of the other mods to be other places with the guys more frequently.

I'm truly grateful to everyone who has made me aware. I've said before that I will never be the same. That is good. I still maintain my conviction that love---the real stuff---is magic and healing. There's a lot of love here.

I hope you find peace and comfort


"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

#129244 - 09/30/04 01:20 PM Re: MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
CFO Dave Offline

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA
I have spent time in the F&F forum and have gained great insight into the issues confronting those who support us.

My wife has joined MS because she needed help in understanding what I was going through. She has posted both in the public and members only F&F forums. I know that she has found help here and I'm thankful that she had such a great place to turn so that she could support herself and thereby continue to support me.

She has specifically mentioned that she has found her discussions with SAR invaluable.

I have also given my sister the link and she has visited. She now has a much greater understanding of what I am going through. With this understanding, she has been a great asset to me.

Admittedly I find myself carefully choosing where I post because I need to consider the audience. If there is something I don't want either one to see I avoid the public forum.

"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

#129245 - 09/30/04 01:47 PM Re: MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
jimrh Offline

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
I stand corrected and I apologize to all the Friends and Family members and specifically all of the women and SAR for my intense narrow-mindedness. \:\(

#129246 - 10/01/04 03:05 PM Re: MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I do not go often to the Friends and Family forum, but my girlfriend has read things there that she says have helped her to deal with me and what is happening with me more. And I know that one of the most reliable friends and sources of support for me personally I met there (thank you Lynn). And I have private messaged with few other ladies from there, who have always been extremely respectful, helpful and supportive. Do I feel that there are areas of this site that should be for ONLY male survivors? Yes, very much so. But I do believe in the appropriateness of these ladies having a source of information also. And the Friends and family forum is a good one.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#129247 - 10/03/04 01:43 PM Re: MaleSurvivor - overcoming the victimization of boys and men
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6848
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I do not see why women should not participate. I have not really seen a woman replying in the survivor forums, even though they really must feel the urge to share the hurt.

I had a pm off one of the women mods, who just wanted to share something that I must have triggered in her experience of dealing with a similar subject.

I too do not often go into the f&f forum, but sometimes I do to see it from another angle.

The women mods, and the wives and girlfriends of survivors do a fantastic job, and I do not envy them at all, they truly are wonderful in what they do.


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

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