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#129178 - 09/22/04 02:53 PM Real Time Posting
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I think this is an appropriate time to bring up the above topic. The human condition is that we all have language. And when we talk to each other in our own dialect comminicate. But in addition to the verbal communication we use body language, tone, and emotions to convey the meaning of what we are saying. In this way we are able to communicate and respond depending on the situation. This we have all learned to do. The easiest emotions to understand are anger and love as they are very basic to us all. When we commiunicate in a dimension such as this the reader is left to try and interpret what we have said or stated without the benefit of all the other stuff we perceive in communicating. And that is why there is sometimes a problem here. We cannot express ourselves completely. We cannot show that fact that we are up down sideways or off the wall. We have no ability to show non verbal communication. It has been said that the non verbal stuff represents at least 70% of our understanding of communications. This is less of an issue in a post because we can choose to ignore the writing or be somewhat careful of our response for the most part. However fatigue, rage, illness , fright and depression are not so easily masked. We can also be triggered badly by what is written. What triggers one will not necessarily trigger another. WE have to remember that we all are at different levels in the healing process.

Where this non verbal communication is most evident by its very lack of any is in CHAT. It is so easy to misinterpret what is being said because it is in very real time. And we all feel pressured to answer. Now some of us are not good at typing and we also need some time to collect our thoughts. We all are guilty of not waiting for a reply to something we have said. We expect a response immediately. We should all understand that it can take up to 10-15 seconds for us generally to form a response that is more than yes or no. To the other person this can seem like an eternity and can be frustrating. We presume that they dont feel it deserves an answer or we are being ignored when this is not the case. We can also say something meant to be funny or friendly that can come accross as beligerant or argumentative.

To give an example.

God I am so effen tired of all this.
Answer Get more sleep.

Now that comes across as almost insulting but what nobody sees is the smile on your face or feels the hand on the shoulder. It is merely an effort to induce more specific comment and to show that you care. But in the cold ligtht of print none of that shows at all.

What happens then is we feel attacked or belittled when that never was the intention.

Now I have likened us to a band of brothers and I know some of us take exception to that. What I mean is that we are all on the same boat manning the pumps and rowing like crazy but each and every one of us is hear for the same reason. Get to safe land. As such we may be considered to be living in cramped quarters and that in itself can cause friction.

I am not saying that we have to be conciliatory all the time because that does not do anything for our selfesteem and the other side can perceive it as condescending. What I am saying is that we feel the bile rise in us we should just leave with an explanation that we are not in a good place for ourselves right now. That way there are no misinterpretations and no bruising.

We must always remember, especially in chat, that there are others of us there who are merely listening if you will and they like the participants only see about 30% of communications and are left to make their own judgements. And I have found that for the most part the listeners are fairly new and are nervous. It was like my first AA meeting in October 1976. I just wanted to disappear into the woodwork to listen. I sure did not want anyone to notice me.

I just think that we should keep all of the above in our minds as we partake in any discussion on this ship less we all begin rowing in different directions. ;\)



#129179 - 09/22/04 03:33 PM Re: Real Time Posting
CFO Dave Offline

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA

Well said.


"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

#129180 - 09/23/04 12:06 AM Re: Real Time Posting
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I found this site a while ago which was quite interesting - in parts anyway.
"Psychology of Cyberspace"

John Suler, Ph.D.
Department of Psychology
Rider University -

The research this guy is doing is based upon a "graphicical, interactive chat room" , but much of what he writes about could be relevent to what we do here. Although there is a lot of stuff on his site !

This page about conflicts by Kali Munro was good though.

This has been adopted as part of our chat guidelines I believe


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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