Well now, don't read all of these at once and hurt yourself laughing; hope you enjoy
Mitchell's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He manages to drive himself the nearest hospital's emergency room.
The doctor says, "Oh my God! Reattachment surgery on so many lost digits has never been attempted before! But don't worry, I'm the best surgeon in the hospital, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Mitchell says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven t got the fingers? It's 1998, We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn t you bring the fingers?"
Mitchell says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't exactly pick the fuckin' things up!"
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... Damn! There goes another one!"
Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
Buster! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... that uh... thingie.
Well I guess that just about sews it up! Little joke there!
Oh no, where's my Rolex?
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml. of this stuff before?
Who's been sipping from the anesthetic bottle again?
Your scalpel-hand is shaking, Johnson.
There-go the lights again...
Quick! Call the plastic surgeon!
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
What do you mean, you want a divorce?
Fire! Fire! Everyone get out!
Hey!!!! Page 47 of this manual is missing!
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
The New Doc
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
What's the Problem?
A lady is worried about the steroids she had been taking. When the doctor sees her, she says, "Doctor, I'm a little concerned about this medication you have been giving me."
He asks her, "What's the problem?"
She replies, "Well, I've been developing this hair on my chest." She unbuttons the first two buttons at the top of her shirt and shows a thick patch of hair to the doctor.
The doctor exclaims, "My goodness! How far down does that go?"
She replies, "All the way down to my new testicles!"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack, and died.
The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Actual Medical Records
A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
What do you get if you cross a Dentist with a Podiatrist?
A doctor who specializes in foot-in-mouth disease.
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D & C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day.
Node: Was aware of.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: More than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Varicose: Nearby, close by.
Cardiologists Diet: If it tastes good -- spit it out.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, the informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play.
One said, "Let's play doctor."
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific.
"The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Owe, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."
Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
One day John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he ould see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smart ass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear,'" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.