I need something light today, so I went through all the unmentioned thoughts I've had. These are the weird little thoughts (most of them borrowed from the true philosophers of our age - standup comedians!) that kept me out of Harvard.
If you have 24 odds & ends on a table, and 23 roll off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
The English language is truly weird. We drive on parkways and park on driveways. How did this happen?
Who empties the wishing well?
Have you ever noticed that on the escalator, the handrail always moves a little faster than the thing you stand on?
If you melt dry ice can you swim without getting wet?
I got fired from the bottled water plant for drinking on the job.
This was not the first weird job I ever had. I was a parking attendant at Logan Airport. I parked jets. I got fired from that too because I always locked the keys in them.
Speaking of jobs, this may sound weird, but I want to be a coroner. Easiest job in the world, in my opinion. Because if EVERYTHING possible goes wrong, what's the worst that can happen? You get a PULSE?
I was waiting to be empaneled on a jury, and one of the lawyers asked me if I could be impartial. I said sure, I can forget that your weasily little scumbag client is guilty and should be strung up by his testicles on red-hot piano wire. I would've been empaneled anyway, but the prosecuter said that red-hot piano wire was where he drew the line.
I walked the line, like Johnny Cash said. I got hit by a bus.
Smoking is dangerous to your health. Ask bacon.
Speaking of smoking, ever notice that those damn tobacoo execs NEVER smoke? And they wonder why we don't trust them!
The light at the end of the tunnel better be God. I mean, consider if it isn't. How much electricity is being wasted by that alone?!
What if God was one of us? Wait a minute, maybe He already is. He could be that driver you just flipped the bird to. That's gonna look good on Judgment Day.
A curious thing. Sodomy is still illegal in many states. Gotta be a fun job enforcing it.
As much as I like older rock groups like the Rolling Stones and Aerosmith, there's GOT to be a mandatory retirement age for rock. Sorry, but when I see Mick Jagger jumping around in Depends, I mean, it just ruins my enjoyment of "Satisfaction." And hasn't Keith Richards been dead for years already? Disney did a GREAT job on his animatronics! At least make them hire dancing girls their own age!
Okay, I'll stop now. I think they're funny.
Please feel free to add!
Peace and love,