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#128881 - 08/30/04 10:10 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sorry to interrupt you guys - but this makes me soooo sad!

Don't know what else to say - except that I wish you all well & I hope you will find a peaceful way to settle this & get on with healing & support.

Sorry to intrude. Hope you will forgive me.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#128882 - 08/30/04 10:10 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Okay, this is going too far.

Jim, you're absolutely right. This is NOT a "brotherhood" in the terms you state. For yes, that kind of "brotherhood" is a form of exclusion for the right to feel "equal among the superiors."

So, nope, I don't see this as a "brotherhood."

Instead, I see it, and you'll pardon me using this overused cliche', as a band of brothers. We have all been through a battlefield of sorts, barely avoiding getting our heads shot off, maybe getting mauled by the landmines, and having to deal with the injuries.

Then we end up in the ward. We wake up, and stare at our injuries, and wonder just how much we've lost. How much we're alone. How we'd be starved to hear JUST ONE person say, "I've been there too."

And the person in the next bed says it. Then, we're not alone.

Yes, some of the brothers may not talk to you directly. Maybe they don't connect with you as "directly" as they do other brothers. Maybe some of the brothers are just plain @$$holes and you CANNOT STAND to be around them. But you know they're there, they're going through the same thing you are, and then you may not be so alone anymore.

So maybe some of us, Hell, MOST of us, don't live up to your expectations. Maybe they don't make the connection with you you'd want them too. Maybe you feel slighted by some, but not by all.

Yet here you are, still here with them.

They disappoint you, yet here you are, joining them.

They piss you off, yet here you are, telling them you hurt and why THEY might be to blame for it.

And, as pissed off or alienated they feel about you, they don't leave you, either.

We're family here, Jim. Maybe not by blood, but by circumstance, and when family pisses you off, you stay with them, because you know they have your back, even in the times you're at the most angry or alienated. And you give them your back, because, Jim, you know, whether you want to admit it or not, they'll return the favor, even if it's just by listening to you bitch, or cry, or say what a good day you've had.

So, here you are, saying you've joined us officially, but you don't know why. You attack us for our indifference, yet here you are, still walking among us in the ward.

Why are you here if you feel so angry and isolated?

Maybe you're not as isolated and alone as you say you are.

Something to think about, Jim. And yes, I sound like an @$$hole yet again, but I wouldn't say these things if I didn't want you to know that you are listened to, and, yes, cared about.

Just something to think about.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#128883 - 08/30/04 10:32 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
jimrh Offline

Registered: 03/22/03
Posts: 273
Loc: Roswell, GA
It clearly is not kosher for some people to post how they feel or what they think on this MaleSurvivor site.

I apologize for stating my opinion and posing the questions.

I've learned my lesson.


#128884 - 08/30/04 10:37 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Again, Jim, you fail to see the point. We are all guilty of it. We apparently missed yours.

There is no crime in posting what you feel. Just as there is no crime for others to post how they feel.

And here we are, stuck with each other all the same.

Like I said, family. Whether you want it or not.

Peace and love.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#128885 - 08/30/04 11:03 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Topic: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
MS is somewhere male Survivors of sexual abuse can come and SHARE their common experiences.
It's a place where we can ALL get SUPPORT and FRIENDSHIP.
When we share these things with our fellow Survivors we MOVE FORWARD because we LEARN from the experiences of those who have gone before us.

On a personal note - I don't care if some guys call it a "brotherhood" or whatever, if the name doesn't suit me I get over it and don't use it.

Is there a "clique" here at MS? quite possibly, and it's inevitable. Some people have been here a long time, like myself. And because of that we're used to each others ways and we shoot the breeze, and make a bit of fun of each other. That's life, it happens in the real world, and I'm afraid it isn't going to go away.
Does it mean "we" treat new guys differently? I don't believe so. I know that I try to greet each new guy, and try to respond to their posts first. And I KNOW I'm not alone in doing this.

Guys, this spate of moaning and arguing is doing NOTHING to help us as Survivors. Jim asked an important question, and the answer bears serious thinking about.

Let's get back to the REAL reason we're here - please.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#128886 - 08/30/04 11:20 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...

Yes this is a webforum for survivors of SA, it is unfortunate that we have to be here, but if we use it right, it is a place, where we can be among people who have been through the same experience as yourself, we use it as a source of knowledge. To find out who we are?

To rebuild our lives, lives that were broken as little boys, the same little boys who never knew the real ways that other boys naturally grow up, we are confused and broken. When we come here, we can be even more so, by not being vigilant, to what might be hurting to another, we should be vigilant, it was one of our earliest teachings.

One thing is for certain, we need not even think about who is more popular, or who seeks/ gets attention, we all want attention, if not, we wouldn't be here.

We come here to share, maybe somethings, we would never tell another soul in this World, and for everything we do tell, it is a little burden shared, the burden that we have carried for so long and not been able to share, that is, until we come here.

We do have a very real obligation, when in these forums, to be aware of other peoples' thoughts, and to respect their boundaries and different views. If they conflict with our own, then, maybe it is us/we, that needs to change and to embrace different ways of thinking. Thinking, without challenging, accepting anothers' viewpoint is not so hard here, as long as we can see the vista.

I pray, that we all can get together, as one, I know it is not possible, or is it? I come on this site and find that there is nobody posting, nobody sharing, maybe too scared to even venture in, to see what, a slanging match. This is what we are not here for.

We should be here for one another, we should care, we should be there for others, as their needs be, we should reach out with helping hand, if it need be, not fighting, didn't we do enough of that, all our lives, if we didn't, surely we should not be here, I don't know.

The only thing I do know, is that people have been deeply hurt, by things that should not be going on in here, it should be the Oasis we all look for, the place of understanding, what to us was never understood, and as children, it affected us all so deeply, "you" included.

If we rock the boat surely we all fall out.


I am deeply sorry, this episode has gotten to you, I just don't really know why it has had to come this far? Why? these things are put here, but I know, It has deeply affected me and others.

It is though, not you're problem, sometimes not mine either, but sometimes, we see ourselves, as the one big problem, and that sometimes is all that is needed is to sort out the "Big Problem".

I am deeply concerned for all, embroiled in this, an Mikey, I am sorry you were brought into it, I wish you well, you don't deseve to embroided in it.

take care


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#128887 - 08/30/04 11:30 PM Re: What is the purpose of MaleSurvivor?
Fred Tolson Offline
Past President

Registered: 01/01/03
Posts: 375
Loc: Denver, CO
I ask anyone who reads this to understand that I'm speaking for myself and not as President of MaleSurvivor.

For those of you who may not know I am a survivor. I have been a member of this board since it’s beginning. In fact I configured and installed this board.

Rightly or wrongly others and myself feel a sense of “ownership” in this place. We are the “greybeards” if you will. Over the years I have witnessed all manner of nonsense, miracles and the butt ugly drudgery of recovery.

This board isn’t a substitute for therapy. It isn’t group therapy or a crisis center. It’s a forum for those who have experienced the horror of abuse. It’s open to the public, indeed the whole world. We have guidelines, moderators and an organization to support it. From its inception it was decided to provide this resource “free” to anyone who may visit here and to make it accessible to the public.

Very rarely some users have been invited to not return and others have been permanently banned. This is always a last resort and it is not the decision of one or two people, but the entire Moderator team, the board Administrator, and the Committee Chair of the Board of Directors in charge of this site.

You know this is a hell of a resource. In fact it was the only resource of any consequence for many years. (And still is IMHO.) We can argue, disagree, dislike, complain and bitch, but we cannot be abusive toward each other. I am not alone when I say if anyone visits our “house” and is inappropriate it will not be tolerated. This is not a threat. It’s just a simple fact.

If any of you knew me years ago you would know I was reactive, angry, insecure, etc. In other words I was simply a wounded man trying to make sense out of something that seemed beyond human understanding. I haven’t forgotten my “roots”.

What I’m trying to say is play hard and play fair with each other, but do not abuse one another. We “greybeards” will not tolerate it.


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