What you shared hits to my heart even more now than it would have just a few weeks ago. That's when some seemingly minor details of abuse memories recovered earlier made clear to me what I'd for years known but buried deep down along with all the abuse: My mother wanted me all to herself, and as I got older she was more & more
"grooming" me to be gay when I grew up, becuz she couldn't stand the thot of another woman having me
She would take me to nudist colonies or have her watch me having sex with men, even join in, and encourage me to look at/be with the men. But her attempt backfired when at age 11 she sold me to a gay couple who took me to their apartment & raped me. I was getting big & strong enuf to rebel against her, and now I was motivated enuf. I did.
Soon after a brief sexual identity struggle right after the rape, she gave up on me & put me in a children's home, becuz I was & became more heterosexual than ever.
What the hell did the bitch expect, after she overexposed me to her feminine sexuality for all of the most formative years of my life & then some?!
The point Mike my brother is that I've finally in the last few weeks started opening up about something I'd barely touched on with anybody before, and it's making me realize more than ever (as if we needed more, right?!) why I'm so sexually hung-up. And ashamed.
It's not a matter of whether being gay is right or wrong, but whether it was right or wrong for me
For me it was wrong becuz I was not, obviously.
What I'm ashamed of is the struggles I had with it
and that sometimes becuz of my somewhat feminine characteristics (these were all I ever saw) people
thot I was if not gay than at least somewhat effeminate & certainly not much of a boy/man. And I'm ashamed of being perceived as a mama's boy & a motherf*ck&r!
Mike there is a beautiful woman who's been in my store window for over 23 years. I want so much to be intimate with her. But my mother is sitting beside me saying you can't do that I'm the only woman who can ever have you. My father sits there silently, out there somewhere, his silent message is "you're not man enuf!"
I've recently shared some of this with a survivor friend when he visited, and also via email. Talked about it a little with my wife. My T & I, we really need to get into this, tomorrow.
Dammit I have nothing to be ashamed of! This is about what my mother & others did & tried to do to me as a helpless child.
And dammit brother Mike you have nothing to be ashamed of either, tho I know the feelings are hard to just shuck off. This is about what your older sister, and later your parents, did to you, as a helpless child.
My friend I'm glad you're getting this out with your T. Thanks for getting it out here too. Hope it helps you cause it's sure helping me.
BTW you're new avatar icon is cool, as was the old one. I notice lots of people getting & changing those lately. A trend is in the air I guess.
Take care Mike my brother