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#12738 - 10/16/02 09:07 PM A Major Breakthrough
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
My Male Survivor Friends:

I've had two 2-chair therapy sessions in which I meet with my mother & my T in the safety of his office. Tho not physically present, she has been there & we have communicated in a very real way.

Between each session I had taken a week or 2 to process what happened & talk with my T about it. We've worked together, usually weekly, for well over a year now.

Well, this past Monday, a couple weeks after my last 2-chair time, I had a major breakthrough.

I told my T I had been thinking about whether or not we needed to meet with my mother again, and that I just wasn't sure; what did he think?

Basically, he said he thinks I've probably dug up the past & the worst of the stuff there all I need to, at least until something else different comes up, some really bad memory that's a new event not just another detail or more of the same garbage--which he thinks is unlikely.

He doesn't want me to forget or deny the past, or even stop dealing with it. He just thinks I'm at the point where I can really live in the present, using what I know out of the past, but not dwelling on it anymore. He thinks that's the best way to deal with the past now--just live.

Yeah I know; it sounds so simple, so obvious. It's certainly nothing I haven't heard of or thot about plenty of times before. But it was the first time he ever said it to me in that way, in the present-now-you can do it tense.

It's also the first time I really believe it! (And I know how vital that is). I don't need to meet with my mother or have any contact or connection with her anymore.

I'd already broken contact with and put aside my mother of the present, who would not be much of a threat even if she were closer by than she is. The mother I've been needing to put away much more is the one who abused me so much all those years ago--a woman I doubt my present mother even remembers & certainly doesn't want to remember.

Now, I've done that. Not that I haven't wanted to; I have. But to release the hurts & hatred was hard. What was probably once necessary for survival had become like a security blanket for me, sometimes even an excuse, a very unnecessary hindrance that kept tripping me up.

Now I've released it. Oh there still are & will be hurt feelings to heal, bad habits to break, etc. But there also are & will be new good feelings, new habits & hobbies to get into, new & renewed relationships, new & wonderful experiences.

The key is that I believe now the new, the positive, the present, is where I can truly focus & live, even when bad feelings or new problems come, as they will.

In short, I think I'm finally beginning the move away from just surviving to thriving.

And I emphasize "beginning." I don't think I'd really even started or felt capable of doing that until now. I didn't become a victim, or a survivor, overnite; I won't become a "thriver" that way either.

What I now can & will do is begin to be a thriver moment by moment, day by day. Not without setbacks or obstacles, from the past or the present.

I can start really practicing & living life w/o always automatically going into victim mode when someone is abusive or disruptive. I believe the time will come when that will rarely to never be my 1st inclination anymore. Which means my 1st reaction won't always be acting out in some hurtful, harmful way.

Oh man I know its not over! Damn, Lloydy those nasty old habits do die hard don't they? Even now I'm dealing with temptations to act out sexually. I'm still hurting physically & wanting to medicate somehow. But its not dominant in my heart & mind. Not now. Hopefully never again. But if so, I still have taken a big step, made a major breakthru, that will help me thru.

No, its not over. Its a beginning. Another big step taken on the road to health & wholeness, with many more little & some big steps yet to come. But I look forward to them now more than I ever thot possible.

Yeah its still scary. Getting abused & shot down so many times when I thot I was going to be happy or get ahead or be able to trust does that to you. I know it won't just magically disappear. No magic here.

But I'm finally at the point where I'm starting to really believe that trying to live life to the fullest & enjoy it the most I can, even when I have problems even traumas, is going to be less painful than just settling for misery so I don't get disappointed, becuz then I was just disappointed all the time anyway.

Wow am I rambling this is hard to put into words! So simple, so basic, yet so exciting & powerful!

I guess I'm learning not to underestimate every little step I take no matter how much it hurts or how many hazards I face, becuz the little steps lead to big steps, and all steps lead home as long as I keep stepping.

And I've got to add that this is happening as it is in great part becuz of you men, my fellow survivors. It was just a couple of months ago I started on this forum & now here I am. You've helped me take a big step, fellas, know it or not; and that means you've taken a great step yourselves, at least in my eyes. THANK YOU!

I had to take the step. I did take the step largely becuz you, fellow survivors, gave me a lot of the hope, courage & inspiration to do so.

Fellow survivors, this is why its so great when we help each other walk the path together as we do. And I'm glad we do becuz I know I'm still gonna stumble & need plenty of support. And as with the downs, its nice to have people who understand to share the "ups" with too. \:D

Take care & thank you men!


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#12739 - 10/16/02 09:20 PM Re: A Major Breakthrough
jaketk Offline

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
i'm glad that you've managed to take the next step. it's amazing that you were able to confront your mother like that, in the session, and are no longer bound by her. even better is that you realzied your need to live, and you're actually doing it. i hope to get to that point someday.

good luck, man.


#12740 - 10/16/02 09:53 PM Re: A Major Breakthrough
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Isn't that good stuff eh ?

Each good step comes along and surprises us and does it feel good ?
Does it ever !!

And the miracle is we do it with barely nothing more than thinking and talking.
If it's that easy why can't we do it sooner and without help ?
It aint because we're stupid - because we're not.
To survive this far proves that.

It's because we trusted someone, and we became so trusting we kept their secret for a long long time.

Now we learn to trust our own judgement and trust our own instincts, now we learn to tell the difference between their lies and our truth.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#12741 - 10/17/02 04:49 PM Re: A Major Breakthrough
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Hi everyone:

Thanks for your responses, fellas.

"even better is that you realzied your need to live, and you're actually doing it. i hope to get to that point someday."

Jake, it may not seem like it right now, but you want to, you can, and you will! \:\)

"Now we learn to trust our own judgement and trust our own instincts, now we learn to tell the difference between their lies and our truth."

Right, Lloydy, and I'm learning to not trust the people I shouldn't and to trust the people I should trust. And yeah it feels really good! \:D

Not that I'm on an emotional high or anything, which in a way is a bit disappointing, but not surprising and not anything near overwhelming.

I don't know what's going to take longer to catch up with my mind and the good thots I've come to: my body or my emotions!

Almost always, both have run well behind my thinking processes. They may never all be exactly in sync. But they will catch up & come together.

I have been dis-integrated, but I am

If I continue to take care of my body & my feelings with proper T, massage, exercise, diet, meditation, medication, reading, support, etc, the painful body memories and the hurt emotional memories will fade as will their harmful power.

Meanwhile, I now at least have a better mental state, logic, and thot process to work with, and that will surely help.

My emotions also received a lot of healing Monday & since, they're just usually behind, more tender. Thinking has always been a lot easier for me than feeling, especially in a positive way. But I'm on the way.

My body has been thru and become the receptacle of so much pain for so long. It will take time. And when the body really aches, and puts limits on me, the feelings first & then the thinking tend to suffer.

But as I build the foundation of good thinking, and build positive affirmations & feelings on it, this building my body will grow stronger and catch up as I take care of it.

I had something really helpful Monday. It was a gentle massage that used oils & some hot rocks, to stimulate the lymph glands connected all thru the body, to get them pumping & getting the junk out of my system more effectively.

Quite a good metaphor that is actually. I got a lot of junk out of my system Monday. I am more free to really live. And I intend to.

Like The Carpenter's old hit, "I've only just begun!"

Thanks & take care fellas!


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck


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