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#125513 - 02/24/06 05:12 AM I am falling down (according to my feelings)
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia
I say I feel that I continue to fall down and down, and I meet people in my life who are bad and are not my friends. They betray me. (Sorry for the simple language.)

It feels as though I try to simplify my world as much as possible and I try to avoid hardships. I run from them, but my behaviour doesn't seem to really help me. My feeling is that the wrong people are around me, and I'm sure this feeling is right, but I am also afraid of making my life complex, which is full of responsibilities. Obviously I see around the wrong people, AND the question is, "Is it my fault?" The question is, "Am I able to judge them (I'm not)?"

I need to change my life.

(It's my one hundred and ... post.)

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#125514 - 03/07/06 07:57 AM Re: I am falling down (according to my feelings)
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
They betray me. (Sorry for the simple language.)

how do they betray you?

how were you betrayed?

if this is a specific experience -

or what is it you qualify as betray?

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#125515 - 03/07/06 03:42 PM Re: I am falling down (according to my feelings)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexey,

Without a few more details it's difficult to judge this one. One possibility is that sometimes abuse makes a boy feel worthless and unlovable, and that carries on into adulthood even if the survivor doesn't recognize what is happening. People around him feel unsafe to him regardless of what is really happening, because he is interpreting everything in terms of his feelings of being so worthless.

Another possibility is that the survivor is not keeping good boundaries or doesn't know HOW to keep good boundaries. Sometimes we let toxic people get too close to us and use or betray us because we don't recognize them for what they are. Other times we feel powerless against them or don't think we deserve better.

If any of this sounds familiar Alexey, don't get down on yourself about it. This problem frequently troubles survivors and dealing with it is another item on our "to do" list as we recover. Like so many other issues it really does require a good T to get us past this one.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#125516 - 03/10/06 01:26 PM Re: I am falling down (according to my feelings)
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Thank you for your interest.

I mean that I can't keep the good boundaries, Larry. I have a fear of being alone, and I am not feeling good when I'm alone. I am ready to let different people approach me.

Mark, I talk about being among people who are my peers. My relationships with them start well, and I go to parties, drink, and spend a good time, but after awhile I feel I need to be alone again, and I almost hate my "friends".

I think I overexagerrated what I feel, saying they betrayed me. I just feel that they were trying to use me as they wanted to, coming to me when they wanted and abusing my hospitality.

I guess, Mark and Larry, that these feelings of your betrayal, annoyance, and anxiety come from the past. I frequently catch myself on thinking that when I feel bad, my life is not bad, and my mind just "plays" with me. It's important to talk to yourself sometimes when you are cursing.

I didn't answer the question about the qualification of betrayal, Mark. I don't know what it is.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#125517 - 03/11/06 10:43 PM Re: I am falling down (according to my feelings)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexey,

Having read over this thread several times I think I finally know what I want to say here. I wonder if you are looking at your friends and peers from several perspectives at once.

On the one hand, an abused boy will be absolutely terrified at the idea that he has been or will be abandoned or rejected. As abuse continues, that fear seems more and more real. As an adult, this lives on as a fear of being alone. That is, you fell uncomfortable at BEING alone because deep down you wonder if you DESERVE to be alone, i.e. abandoned and rejected.

At the same time, an abused boy will discover very quickly that his earlier naive feeling of trust in the world was totally wrong. He is NOT safe in the world, and trust is a BAD idea. He distrusts everyone, and if he feels alone and unworthy of belief that feeling will get worse and worse. In an adult, that feeling lingers on as a suspicion that any adult who likes him or associates him is a potential source of harm or betrayal. He feels he has no friends, only potential traitors and opportunistic users.

As you can see, these two feelings from boyhood will clash and conflict in an adult and maybe that is what you are feeling. You find yourself going in circles: retreating from friends, then disliking solitude, so back to the friends, then distrusting them again, so back to being alone, and so on.

This is a good example of why we need therapists. A good T will help you to work through this conflict - asssuming that I am anywhere close to being right.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#125518 - 03/14/06 12:00 AM Re: I am falling down (according to my feelings)
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1677
Loc: Moscow, Russia
So many times you told me to see a therapist. I should, but I can't do right now, or at least I have to spend three and a half hours on a train to go to the city. Most importantly, I have to find the therapist. I have no idea how to find them.

Thank you for advice!

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#125519 - 03/14/06 12:11 AM Re: I am falling down (according to my feelings)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alexey,

Sorry if I have frustrated you with repeated comments about therapy. I wasn't aware that I was doing that, or that by doing so I was pushing on a hot button for you. My comments are based on my own experience as a survivor, as well as on my conviction that therapy is the best way to get through all the problems with the minimum of new pain and trauma.

I do now appreciate that this is difficult for you, and thanks for drawing my attention to this. I hope you keep posting here, as the fellowship and input you can get here will be all the more useful to you if therapy isn't an option.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top

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