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#125412 - 10/18/03 09:37 PM lighting (trigger?)
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I'm aware now that lighting can and does affect my mood, awareness, and productivity when I am doing a job or studying.

I feel safer in the dark. I slept this afternoon, and I knew I would be better this evening when less light was around.

I worked a 2nd shift job when I got out of college, and I loved it. Work was at night, I trusted the other people, I rode my bike home in the dark, and I lived alone. Darkness has always been a friend. I never knew this completely.

This is true for me. And I'm struggling with it today. I want it to be dark, but I live in Florida, and one of the darkest places in the house is the bedroom. But I get too triggered and afraid in there. (The body remembers).

Thought I'd let someone know.

#125413 - 10/19/03 12:27 AM Re: lighting (trigger?)
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
You are so right, given your point of view. I truly apprciate those things too.

But I was afraid to be direct in my post as well. I know there is something I associate with shadows, darkness, and dim light, with the abuse. I accept that. I want to hide in the dark.

I am finding I am very scared and sabotage any success I get while in the limelight, no pun intended. The shadows, the darkness, being unseen, that is where I have found safety, and survival.


#125414 - 10/19/03 01:07 AM Re: lighting (trigger?)
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
I'm not that extreme.

#125415 - 10/19/03 02:26 AM Re: lighting (trigger?)
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
Yeah, I've seen them, but they're for the rich folk. Most people don't own them unless they live on the beach or close to it. The storms slam them head-on, so they're necassary. The rest of us buy plywood. It's cheap, and it does work. I'm the kind of person who likes those storms. It's change, real, something bigger than us, and something that doesn't discriminate by race, class, or anything. We all turn human at that point.

Kind of deviated from the original point, but there is WIDE desparity of wealth in my town. Kind of a bitch of mine. On a lighter note, I'm just starting out the fourth step. I hope I get to air it out then.

#125416 - 10/19/03 04:33 AM Re: lighting (trigger?)
Don-NY Offline

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
I used to feel that too, but I felt like a creature of the night. And I mean creature in all the negative, scary ways. There were many reasons.

I felt like a freak; damaged; deformed; debased. I thought that the shame and guilt I carried and believed was my own could be seen in my eyes. I thought it was written all over my face.

I stared at people, looking to see how they reacted to my ugliness, knowing they could see the depravity within me; read me; know me. But if they saw me looking, or just looked my way, I ran away, one way or the other.

I couldn't bear that after a while so it was better to stay away; live in the night where the eyes are fewer, and many of them seemed to have their own secrets to hide.

It is more difficult to be seen at night and so, easier to hide. No one there to answer to, no one to question me or trigger me, or see my differences.

The night was my safe harbor. I had made it through another day, dancing to someone else's tune, or to the pull and demands of my own chores and responsibilities. The night was a refuge and a chance to get my bearings. A time and place to lick my wounds, and sadly, inevitably, to pick them raw again.

But that was then, once upon a time.

Now, the night is for my leisure and pleasure. And for rest, sleep, and the possibility of good dreams. And the best part is that the night is the prelude to a fresh day waiting, which could be fantastic.

The song below, from the movie Yentl, sums up my feelings quite well. I first heard it twenty years ago, next month, when the movie opened.

It made a deep impression on me and stayed with me until I caught up to what it says. It took years and many steps, some of which I still can't believe I did.

Like becoming a regular at a nude beach to overcome the shame I felt about my body and nudity.

Like going to work every night dressed in jeans, a dress shirt, and a tie, when even the managers didn't wear ties. I was a clerk, but I wasn't going to be one for long, so I made sure EVERYONE knew me by sight at least (you know, the guy with the Ties!). Then I let them know, let them SEE, what I could do.

I got my dream job (on days) after only a little while. A job I still have today and I still love, despite some bumps in the past year. To this day, 13 years later, people still talk to me about those ties.

Some things are better left in the night, or kicked back there after they've been exposed and named in the Light, but you, we, all of us deserve the light.

I think we need the light. We need it to live. We need it to grow. We need it to shine.

The Song:
I left off the first verse since it is highly specific to the movie's plot and I've changed two pronouns to make it more universal.

No Matter What Happens
Music: Michel Legrand; Lyrics: Alan and Marilyn Bergman

I've wanted the shadows,
I don't anymore.
No matter what happens,
I won't anymore.

I've run from the sunlight-
Afraid it saw too much.
The moon had the one light
I bathed in-
I walked in.

I held in my feelings
And closed every door.
No matter what happens.
I can't anymore.

There's someone who must hear
The words I've never spoken.
Tonight if they were here
My silence would be broken.

I need them to touch me-
To know the love that's in my heart-
The same heart that tells me
To see myself-
To free myself-
To be myself at last!

For too many mornings
The curtains were drawn.
It's time they were opened
To welcome the dawn.

A voice deep inside's
Getting stronger,
I can't keep it quiet any longer.
No matter what happens,
It can't be the same anymore...
I promise it won't be the same

If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

#125417 - 10/19/03 03:51 PM Re: lighting (trigger?)
fhorns Offline

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 706
Don....... THANK YOU. I haven't ever heard see what I saw, or felt what I felt.

Question.....if you are healed, why do you come back?

(feeling like people abandon you after being better, happier. Like I've been ...convenient, then not anymore.)

#125418 - 10/19/03 04:31 PM Re: lighting (trigger?)
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

I cannot stand the glare of an incandescent light bulb. In the perp's living room, where the first time began, the only lighting was a light bulb hanging from a wire, like some 1950's TV show depiction of lighting in old "pre widespread electricity" buildings.

Chandeliers over the dining room table, or any uncovered incandescent light bulb, make me uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. It's only incandescent bulbs; sunlight doesn't elicit the same reaction.

It's actually not as bad since the conference last month, but I still feel it as soon as the glare hits my eyes. I just don't automatically freak out over it now. Progress, not perfection, I guess.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#125419 - 10/19/03 06:15 PM Re: lighting (trigger?)
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Jeff, do they make those hurricane windows for our minds to block out the memories when they get overwhelming?

Regarding the darkness - I like taking walks in the night. It gives me the illusion of 'getting out', kinda like a test run for doing it for real. It gives me the sense of safety, nobody can really see the real me, just a silhouette so they know I am there but not who I am.


Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#125420 - 10/19/03 07:43 PM Re: lighting (trigger?)
ecb Offline

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I find I'm a real night owl too. I can (and generally do) get up and function during the day, but if left to my own devices I'm operate best at night. I'm more awake, aware, comfortable, whatever.

I like to take walks at night when I'm living in a town or a city. I'm not sure why really. Supposedly that can be dangerous, but I enjoy it. I find it comforting that maybe someone else walking around at night would look at me and think I'm going to mug them or something. I'm pretty big and burly, and I've often been told I'm intimidating. I'd never do such a thing, but for some reason I like to think that someone may fear me for some inexplicable reason.

More than that though, I just like going places at night. Rarely does anyone, even a waitress at Perkins, try to engage in small talk at 2am. They just leave me alone, and I like that. I can just read while I eat, and go on about my life with minimal interfearance.

Senselssly rambling. \:\)

#125421 - 10/19/03 09:07 PM Re: lighting (trigger?)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
All of you here:

Jeff, do they make those hurricane windows for our minds to block out the memories when they get overwhelming?
Boy I tried that in spades. Only I tucked them away in a very special box. I thought it would be like a grain of sand getting into an oyster. Mother of Pearl would grow around it and something wonderful would take its place. Well that did not happen. And because of not dealing with the issues I totally screwed up my life for 40 years, tried suicide ( unsuccessfully) three times and generally was miserable. Kind of like attemptime to put up shutters.

It was only when I started to recognize the issues and to deal with them that the hurricane in my life started to wind down into a tropical storm.



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