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#124501 - 10/03/05 06:47 AM Is my "friend" abusing his kids? ***TRIGGERS****
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
**Possible Triggers** Iím involved in a situation where Iíve been asked to help with some friends who are having major marriage difficulties. Iím happy to do this and help where I can but I am having growing reservations and fears about the husband and what heís been up to.

As heís been telling me stuff I have had alarm bells going off in my head. Heís told me last week how he forced sex upon his wife after she said no. She told a friend he raped her but then after she calmed down, she downplayed it as just a bad experience and typical of how their relationship had deteriorated. He told me his side as well and I think that if it went to the police he would be charged with rape. Thatís not all though unfortunately.

Heís also told me of when he was younger and sexually abused his younger sister. He then brushed it off by saying that that ďrubbish stuff with his sisterĒ was long ago. Heís mid 40ís. He almost got my verbal assault at that point but I contained myself. How dare he trivialise abusing his sister as just silly stuff that happened! He also told me about his time on his family farm when he committed acts of bestiality (sex with animals).

Iím sorry if this is all too much for some to handle. This post is not about promoting his bad stuff. My real concern, and reason for the post is that he has two young children, a boy and a girl both under 12 years old. What goes through my mind is that I wonder if he is abusing his children as well. If heís done so to his sister and belittled it, done bestiality, and quasi raped his wife what sort of attitudes and boundaries does he have to acting out his desires sexually? Not many barriers I fear and Iím scared for the kids but I also donít want to cause trouble and make false accusations.

What should I do?

#124502 - 10/03/05 07:32 AM Re: Is my "friend" abusing his kids? ***TRIGGERS****
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Grunty, I edited your post to put a trigger in the subject line.

If you haven't checked out StopItNow!, I suggest you take a look. They have info there that might help you and people you can talk to, or email, about your concerns.

Check out the laws where you live. In many places, if you report your suspicions, your identity will be protected. It is far better to report and be wrong than not report and be right.

In my opinion it is a form of sexual abuse already to be a young child in a house where one of your parents is forcing sex on the other.

#124503 - 10/03/05 12:22 PM Re: Is my "friend" abusing his kids? ***TRIGGERS****
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
Sorry SAR about the lack of the trigger warning. I didn't realise the trigger warning should have gone in the subject line (as well as the body text?).

Thankyou also for the referal site. I've checked it out and I think I'll go and speak to somebody else in my circle of contacts who also knows this man so that we can get two perspectives on this potential [childhood] abuse situation.

I hope the children (if not being abused themselves) aren't aware of the parental woes. Probably not though. I pretty much know about all the horrible stuff that went on in my dysfunctional family.

#124504 - 10/03/05 06:44 PM Re: Is my "friend" abusing his kids? ***TRIGGERS****
Sinking Offline

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Good for you Grunty. It won't be easy but be determined. If you can prevent abuse or stop it in its tracks you will be doing those children a very valuable service. I wish you luck and I hope you're wrong - John

#124505 - 10/03/05 08:40 PM Re: Is my "friend" abusing his kids? ***TRIGGERS****
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Even though you seem to have no evidence that this guy actually has harmed his kids, there is certainly a good chance that he has. His attitudes sound classic perp to me: he's into control and use of sex as a humiliating weapon, he's disrespectful of boundaries and incredibly selfish, he is cruel, and he seems to be dealing with a whole load of personal issues that cloud his judgment in dangerous ways.

What to do? Maybe the answer lies in how we all remember how it felt to be alone, unseen, unhelped, and silenced. A child being hurt by his own father will not have the resources to reach out for help. Someone else has to reach in.

Take care,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#124506 - 10/04/05 02:38 AM Re: Is my "friend" abusing his kids? ***TRIGGERS****
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
however hard it is doing the right thing is the only thing to do.

You have to ask yourself a question here, "would you want to continue this friendship if he's abusing his kids?"
If he isn't and you lose the friendship it says more about him than you.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau


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