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#12439 - 01/18/04 04:42 AM Re: Please help me
confused18 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/29/03
Posts: 3
to anyone who canhelp me

im a guy age 18 i have been molested a a very young age by an older man. I have always grown up forgetting what had ahppen to me. While growing up i always kept telling myself im not gay. I like girls but sometimes i have been curious to look at porn of guys to compare my body. Everything is so hard for me i cant deal with i have a step father who hates me, and we fight all the time, i have no one. I have always thought of endingmy life, for i cannot take it any more.

i feel lonely depressed all the time i ahve no one inmy life, except god. I wish i had a father that could of been proud of me. I never knew may father and i always dreamed of him teachingme how to hunt or be a man. I'm always a loner i guess at school, i go to a very bad school 95% are african americans so its very hard for me to fit in. I always tol dmy parents to put me in private school, but they never did.

my childhood has gone and i hate them for that i wish i just wish this didnt happen to me, sometimes i wnat to look at porn i hate myself for this

#12440 - 01/18/04 06:23 AM Re: Re: Please help me
buddah Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/24/03
Posts: 30
Loc: Seattle
I am sorry that you are going thru this right now. I can tell you it can get better. It will make you a stronger person. I promise that. You just have to hold on to faith and know that there is One who loves you greatly. I have been where you are but you have to much to give this world to leave it with out sharing the gifts that God has given you.
Have you discussed any of your feelings with anyone? Do you have a Pastor you can talk to or a friend? That is the first place I would look for some help. I wish there was more I could do for you. Hang in there!

#12441 - 01/18/04 06:11 PM Re: Re: Please help me
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello C18!

This is the most difficult time in the process of getting over the effects of having been sexually victimized as a child.

What you describe about conflicted feelings concerning your sexual orientation seems to be almost a constant with all male survivors. Some are gay, some are heterosexual and some never know which orientation is really theirs. What we do know is that being sexually abused by a man does not make a man gay, anymore than if a gay boy had sex with a woman, would not make him heterosexual.

Lots of us have looked at porn for some of the same reasons you mention. Don't think this makes you perverted or unique--even men who were not sexuallly assaulted have been known to look at gay porn.

African American people can be just as sensitive and loving and compassionate as any other. If you find someone you feel comfortable with, try to get a relationship going with that person.

Lonliness is really difficult. I think we need to understand and believe that we are a good person to have as a friend. Then we can let people in our life who are safe for us in every way. If you can join a club, do some volunteer work, talk to your counselor at school, your pastor, coach, anyone you feel cares about you and that you can trust, they should be able to at least let you know that you are important to them.

You are important to us. You just got 1600 brothers and sisters here who understand a lot of what you are going through. Talk to us anytime you care to.

Peace to you friend.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#12442 - 01/19/04 12:45 AM Re: Re: Please help me
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Hello - I am upset that you are having a bad time at the moment and feel that there is no one in your life that cares.

What gives me so much hope for you is that you are now dealing with the issues that confuse you. It takes a lot of guts to deal with the issues that we all carry - you are doing it so much earlier than many of us here were ever able to do.

You can get through this - set yourself some targets for things that you would like to do for yourself (not for anyone else for it is you that is important). What type of targets -well I had a big downer recently, and my first goal was to actually clear the washing up from my kitchen (I was only cleaning stuff when I ran out of supplies). I am now trying to learn Czech ( I hate learning foreign languages, but it looks like a place I will visit fairly often)as this would be a major achievement for me.

You can gain confidence as time goes by (you have lots of time unlike us poor old farts)... if some people give you negative vibes, minimise your contact with them. There are good people out there - don't expect to like them all & vice versa.

School will eventually pass, but do your best for it is to your benefit longer term.

Sexuality - well you were abused by an older male, so that is your point of reference. You say that you look at porn and compare your body to those that you see on paper. Well we all want to fit the norm and maybe you want to fit the media expectation of what a man should look like. Maybe you actually enjoy looking at the pictures for other reasons. Whatever your sexuality turns out to be, there is support on this site - there is little judgement here. Just remember being abused by an older male does not mean that you are gay - what has happened to you was because of the abusers preference. You could be Gay / Bi / Straight - whichever, that is for you to choose and not for anyone to dictate.

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#12443 - 01/19/04 01:34 AM Re: Re: Please help me
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
I too feel the loniness u described. I think I just lost my best friend due to sexual tension and orientation issues..5 years and as of last night he completely changed on me. I guess all I can say is..when u want help its here. im willin to talk/listen. I came here along time ago and dind't really do any healing. Now that I am back im less worried about the things i was b4 and am just sr8 forward when I want help I still feel like shit most days but I think some of these guys help.

"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

#12444 - 01/19/04 01:36 PM Re: Re: Please help me
phoster Offline

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
Welcome to our little part of the world, and Iím sorry youíre in pain. I know it seems pretty bleak right now, but by coming here, and by starting to talk about it, youíve taken a huge step. Take a moment, and pat yourself on the back for that. Always take time to celebrate the good things. I know we survivors have a bad habit of focusing on the bad ones, and itís important to take time to remind your self it isnít all bad.

Isolation and loneliness are awful things to endure. I think many of us have. I also know that we canít take it all away over the internet, but it is a start. In time, you can make your own place in the world, find your own peers and friends. Sometimes, you have to make your own family in this world. There are good people out there, it is just a matter of resolving to find some and make them part of your life. Youíll find some here if you reach out and allow them inside.

Be compassionate and caring to yourself, and hold on for brighter times.

compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

#12445 - 01/20/04 08:45 AM Re: Re: Please help me
Kurt Offline

Registered: 12/29/03
Posts: 42
Loc: New England
Hey, C18:

Your circle of friends and fellow survivors has grown in a big way since you posted, man! Whatever you are going through, rest assured that you can bring your thoughts and feelings here.

I have a lot of respect for The Dean, from just the few weeks that I have been on this site, and what he wrote about finding people who are compassionate and kind (regardless of racial or other differing background) makes a lot of sense.

Lots of people wonder how they "measure up" to others, and that is pretty common. Don't feel any extra anxiety about that question! Heck, I still wonder about that sometimes.

Also, I personally believe that you are absolutely right when you say that you have God on your side. That faith will stand you in good stead if you let it, man. In addition, though, now that you are on this site, your challenges are SERIOUSLY outnumbered by your fellow survivors here, who will offer support and understanding!


Stay strong. You are obviously stronger than the person who hurt you, and you have great worth. You can be a force for good, I believe that.

Hang in there,



"Looking good, Billy Ray!"
"Feeling good, Lewis!"

#12446 - 01/20/04 02:35 PM Re: Re: Please help me
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I can only repeat what the brothers here have said. I am truly sorry you're going through a tough stretch right now. We all go through them (I still am!).

There is no reason to feel negatively about looking at porn. Hell, we all do it! There is a small joke that I hope you're in the mood for: I once admitted to a group of people that I looked at portn sites on the net and asked how many of them did as well. Of course, no one 'fessed up. I replied, "yeah, a fifty billion dollar/500 billion hit business, and I'm the only one who goes. I just keep hitting 'refresh' all day long." \:D

Now, I also understand you wanting to end your life. Days go by recently and I've thought of it many times. You just gotta hang on, man. It's such a permanent solution to what always ends up being a temporary problem. Depending on your belief system, suicide also gets you a one-way ticket to Hell. Plus, the little things can give you hope. I was up delivering newspapers this morning (how else do you think they get there! :rolleyes: ), and I saw a sunrise. A beautiful sunrise that gave me God's verdict on us all. We're okay for another day. You've gotta look at what gives you hope: the friends you have, a relative you're fond of, your pet, whatever. How sad it would be to leave them wondering if there was something else they could've done to stop you from killing yourself. You're a good person, Confused, and I know you couldn't have that on your conscience when Judgment Day arrives.

Okay, enough preaching. Just know that we're all here to help. Feel free to PM me if you need the help. And just hold on, my brother. I look forward to hearing more of what you've got to say.

Peace and love, little brother. No strings.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#12447 - 01/20/04 09:46 PM Re: Re: Please help me
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Confused: Sorry to be so late in my welcome. But I echo everything that has been said.

The important thing to remember now is that you will never be alone again. There are a lot of really big shoulders here to lean and cry on. That is what we are all about.

Now about the ending of the life bit. Confused it is the ultimate win for the perps. It will keep you quiet forever. And that can never happen to let them win. Listen to me because I have tried that route. without much sucess, and when I did think I had suceeded I never wanted to live more than I did right then.

Now we are all helping each other here to actually live life as it is meant to be lived and not just pass through life as an observer.

We all deserve better than that. So stay with us my young brother and we will get there I can promise you that.



#12448 - 01/25/04 06:35 PM Re: Re: Please help me
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am glad that you found yourself here. This does give you another option, because it is 'someone to talk to'; well, more like 50 or 100 someones, if not more. I had a father, but he was not a 'dad', he was nothing at all positive to me. So I do understand wishing you had had that, someone to teach you, to be role model for you, to be proud of you. However, that does not stop you from being proud of yourself, and I hope you can be. Each day you survive, it is a victory, something to be celebrated and proud of. You are able to do this, you are able to create the life you deserve. It takes time and work, and that makes things hard sometime, but it is possible. If you do not give up on yourself, people here, they will not give up on you. I welcome you here.

One thing though. I am not African-American. But if I were, I would be offended by your characterizing your 'bad school' by saying that 95% are African-American. Just a reminder, this is the internet, this site is open to all, and sometime something we say, it can/will be misunderstood. Just wished to bring that to your attention.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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