I was watching those insurance adverts on the telly where Michael Winner plays the parts of both himself and his wife. It suddenly struck me that, after years of wishing he would, he could now actually go and f*ck himself.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

I heartily applaud the religious lobby group Christian Voice whose campaign stopped a cancer charity accepting 3000 raised by the cast of Jerry Springer the Opera. This show was blasphemous in every regard, and so it is quite right that charities should steer clear of money donated by blasphemers. I am a millionaire, and I was so impressed by Christian Voice's moral stance, that I decided to donate 500,000 to their cause. Unfortunately, on the way to post their cheque, I trod in a dog dirt and in a moment of weakness, took the Lord's name in vain. I realised that Christian Voice could not accept money from me as a blasphemer, and so I tore up their cheque.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

My boss and colleagues spend half thier time criticizing me for things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done. I wish they'd make their fucking minds up.

I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If anything they start asking me for more money.

I'm not surprised Ellen MacArthur's boat went in a great big circle around the world. I've bought lengths of wood from B&Q as well.

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.

'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim. Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the bastard keeps coming home. \:D

It's all very well when the newsreaders remind us that our clocks have to go back, but I've got five clocks in my house and I can't remember where I bought them.

Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its arse on it.' \:\)

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.

'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder. \:D

ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine f*cking was.

I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try counting sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night looking for a flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by the time the sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that night than usual. What a farce.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. \:\)

Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!