below is an excerpt from today's journal entry...
In light of Lady Theo and the potential worst-case scenario: My therapist and I talked at length of this yesterday. As always, it goes back to the Sacrifice and the persistent pattern that I am solely responsible. She mentioned the fact of a person’s freewill. Even my Father will not impinge on freewill. If he would not, how can I believe I should have? That is intellectualizing. The real bane is the emotional conflagration of which I am completely clueless.
There is no emotional baseline from which I can safely work through the conflicting montage of my emerging identity and the lies of the past. I take that back. The emerging identity allows the hint of what can be achieved, but the actuality of it is still elusive. That said, what can I set as tentative baseline?
The core problem is being overwhelmed emotionally by something I cannot conceive of at this point. There is the conflict of the emerging, integrated identity against the persistent cross of the Sacrifice that I know I had no control over. The patterns are lifelong and are still being discerned and dispelled. Bottom line. A person’s freewill cannot be infringed. My therapist was correct that it was Lady Theo who isolated herself from me and the positive influence I could have had on her re-descent into the suicidal mindset. I made grievous mistakes that impacted our relationship; I know this. I also know, objectively, that I could have made no other choice at the time without intervention. I know I was not directly responsible for the triggers that drove her into isolation and terror. I know that there was always fear and partial terror simply because of my gender. I know that her asswipe therapist was instrumental in Lady Theo’s increasing isolation and retreat from the support I could have offered even with my own recovery issues.
My mistakes were mine. I own these willingly. I was not allowed to intervene through Lady Theo’s autonomous choice guaranteed through freewill that not even my Father would imperil. I know all these things, but the conflagration of the Sacrifice seeks to damn me still.
Simplify. Baseline. Emotional conflagration. Freewill. Sacrifice. DeWolfe.
I am DeWolfe. It is my legacy now, by personal choice. I pray so hard for Lady Theo’s safety and continued life, but must accept her freewill, even if it is distorted by her overwhelming pain. My therapist suggested a balance of expectations. She suggested that while I remain open to Lady Theo’s continued death-wish, that I also allow the fact that I do not know the reality of her current situation. To put myself through the pain of needless grief defeats the battles thus far won at so high a price. This is true. However, I need to find that effective, realistic defense to prepare me for the possibility that she followed through. Without that proactive step, I will be open to the chaos of the Sacrifice again. The conflagration of the Sacrifice seeks to damn me still.
I am DeWolfe. We three have fought our damndest to achieve what we have so far. The lies of the Sacrifice will not stand. We stand against those lies now. The parasites sought to destroy the innocence of a child. Through our Father’s intervention, and our own balls, they have failed. Yes, the struggle continues. It will for some time to come. They nearly succeeded, but did not. The conflagration of the Sacrifice yet resides at the perimeter of what we have thus achieved…but we stand united now and they will not take that away ever again. We are DeWolfe. We are the pack, the lies are now the prey. Whup ass everyone?
- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it