The MS community has spoken, and I've been somewhat late to get back to the tabulations (somehow fitting for THIS virtual award show! :rolleyes: ). I also had trouble booking a venue suitable for an award show of this magnitude. Seems Hollywood didn't want to be seen admitting to the worst they put out. I wonder if the Razzies have this kinda trouble!
But it's worth it. And now, from beautiful (?) downtown Newark, New Jersey (Why Newark? Hey, why not?!), it's the first ever Eddie Award!
(Applause! Big musical number commemorating the WORST Oscar musical number of all time. The only thing that will be needed to say to those old enough to remember it - Snow White and Rob Lowe!)
Thank you, thank you! And thanks Rob Lowe for being such a sport! Yes, yes, we'll still give you the grocery vouchers we agreed upon! (Laughter!) Seriously, the guy needs them. Although, Robbie, to be honest, you wouldn't need them if you made better career choices. I mean, who leaves a hit show and picks up two losers like "Lyon's Den" and "Dr. Vegas?" Who do you think you are, David Caruso? (Laughter!)
Anyway, thanks for coming to the Eddies, the award show dedicated to the truly dismal offerings that Hollywood offers us every year. For those who don't know, the Eddies are named after Ed Wood, historically chosen as the WORST director Hollywood ever produced. Only the true cream-of-the-crap will be recognized here, and the result were gathered and tabulated by yours truly, and kept secure in a shoebox under my bed. So you KNOW these are the real-deal results!
Without further ado, let's get right to the awards! I'd mention the a-list celebs who are here to be "honored" tonight, but I'm afraid they'd either shoot me, beat me up, or both! (Laughter!)
First up, Worst Director. Oh there were so many of them, but only one could win. And he was so memorable that we don't even have their name so, this coveted award goes to......That Idiot Who Directed "Phantom Of The Opera!" (Applause!)
(Shouting from back stage) You can take this award and stick it up your......!!!!
Please, please, gentle sir, this is a family award show! Man, a reminder to self, always get the names of the winners, even if they weren't all that good!
Next up is "Worst Cinematic Moment," and again there were so many to choose from, it was ridiculous. But it was an easy lock when you consider that the "winner" was a sequel too-many-years-in-the-making. Yes, that's right, gentlemen and ladies, the Worst Cinematic Moment for 2004 goes to....the premiere of "Meet The Fockers!"
(The cast and crew come up on stage, give the host a withering glance, and walk off with their Eddies. The coldest one is Deniro, who looks like he'd like to kneecap him.)
The best thing about hosting the prestigeous Eddies - no long-winded acceptance speeches! (Laughter!) But they shouldn't feel bad. They JUST edged out "The Whole Ten Yards" because I wasn't sure they qualified for this year's releases!
Ah, now, next is Worst Actor. This year is a true oxymoron. The failures of genius can be as spectacular as their successes, and no more can that be summed up by this year's winner. You know him for many classic performances, but now you know him as "anything for a paycheck." That's right, this year's Worst Actor Eddie goes to......Robert Deniro for "Godsend," "The Boogeyman," and "Meet The Fockers," a three-way trifecta! Come on up here, Bobby!"
(Deniro again climbs the stage and gives the host a withering glance.)
Deniro: "Yeah, yeah, very funny you (deleted) jerk! (Turns to audience) I guess I earned it, huh? Yeah, really funny how you work your heart out and make a few bad project choices and THIS is how they remember you. I dunno, seems people forget "Taxi Driver" right quick. Hey, I'm not bitter! I know I probably deserve it, but I don't see NICHOLSON up here! That (deleted) phones in, what, 10,000 performances a year and gets a clean break and I take a FEW films for a change of pace and I get THIS?!? Hey, Nicholson, I got two words for you.....(Deniro cuts s few choice words and is hauled off stage)
Thank you, thank you, Bobby! Bitterness always ups the ratings! (Laughter) And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for. I didn't agree with this one, but, hey, one of the stars isn't a favorite of mine when he does comedy, so I guess it's deserved. The Worst Movie of 2004 goes to............"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!"
The cast and crew couldn't be here tonight because they....let's see here (opens a piece of paper)...."had better things to do than be deleted) on by some smart-(deleted) host who thinks he's all that (deleted) wonderful." Wow! What an honor it is to be cursed out by Mr. Jim Carrey! Put your hands together for him, God love him!
And with that, we bring this year's Eddies to a close. Thanks for all those who voted, and the patience of the (counts silently) three people who were waiting for these results! Hopefully we'll do this again next year, because, as we all know, Hollywood will be putting out the targets for us!
You people, in all honesty, make doing this batch of silliness worth it. Give yourselves a round of applause and we'll see you next year (I hope!) for the Eddies and the Kramers!
Peace and love,