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#123505 - 02/20/05 04:03 AM i don't kno where to post this-so here! maybe Triggers
Logan Offline

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
My chosen profession

rings in some similarity to a 1st grade tilte i think.

I'm really tired and just ate a big meal-first thing substatial in 4 days, so i'm getting ready to crash.

But first it just need to throw something out to........uh

anyway, i've always been obsessed with survival, i mean learning everything i could on pure self suficiency. In the wilderness, in the sea, in an urban environment, what to do in perilous situations (horrible schemes i'd conjure in my mind, Iike being draged into a car truck and remebering to kick out a tail light so that maybe i will be rescued by the police pulling over the car for the busted tail light, hearing me kicking in the back). mentally put my self in a bad situation, then get myself out.
To Always be preparped --to thwart any attack, escape from any danger or threat, and now my soon to be job-Paramedicine, a front line soldier, in rescue--the uniform (the patches on my sleeves, like strips on a soldiers uniform) a comformation of self of my identity and visual proof of my masculinity.
'SAR training! thats right, prove how tough you are.'

Maybe my way of trying to gain control over situations that are not meant to be ones that can be controled, make sense of the chaos.

'be perfect, remember every detail.'
its like i'm condition myself to manipulate and control all my emotions and reactions.
Its like i'm in chronic confict with myself, a constant struggle, always fighting to stay on top.

Or maybe its my way of rebeling, with my self resentment and deep seeded inner rage toward myself- my way of saying: 'Fuckyou, you coward, you're pathetic. you think that you're tough, Let's see how tough you really are!'

As if i am daring my self on, testing myself.
taking on dangerous missions just to prove that i'm not scared or feel like i've accomplished something or more yet overcame something.

On the one hand i'm OK with being a quiet, more sensetive, more reseved guy; then on the other hand i seem to find some defect with that and find it incompatable with being a man and so i must destroy that part of me.

i'm getting too tired to finish this train of thought
so i will finish with some distorted humour:
It's actually kinda funny if you think about it

I love the outdoors: camping, hiking, the serenity, the beauty the sense of exploring. I love the ocean-anything in the water: surfing, diving, basicaly any activity. BUT, I am absoulutly scared SH!TLESS of Sharks and Bears! More like phobic! (abnormal fear)

I sure you guys can draw out many parrallels to these fears.
anyway, take care

"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

#123506 - 02/20/05 06:39 AM Re: i don't kno where to post this-so here! maybe Triggers
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
when I go off-roading my mates take the piss out me all the time because I have so much recovery and survival gear that my 4x4 sinks without trace in the first mud hole!

And I won't leave the house without mt Gerber multi-tool.

Bring it on, I will survive! Where did I get that attitude from then?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#123507 - 02/21/05 03:27 AM Re: i don't kno where to post this-so here! maybe Triggers
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
It all makes sense to me, Logan. Besides, if you need to prove yourself, what better way to do it than to save the lives of others? What a positively creative thing to do with your life. Also, right after that very brave and manly man has saved your life and you're being transported to the hospital, it's that quiet and kind and compassionate man you want beside you holding your hand. Sounds perfect to me.

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#123508 - 02/22/05 02:17 AM Re: i don't kno where to post this-so here! maybe Triggers
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I find this to be a very interesting topic and the posts have all got me thinking.

With me it is a little different. Somehow I know I am gonna survive (foolish). But I put myself in danger all the time without and protection. I love to inline skate fast and loose with only a pair of shorts on. When I mountain bike I use the trail to go up but take to the bush coming down. When I used to fight I went at it whole hog with no thought about myself.

I would say that the risk with the adrenilen rush of fear is exhilerating and damned dangerous. When I come home all bruised and bloody it drives my wife crazy. But still I do it.

That is recreation to me. Now I have no respect for cattle. They are stupid enough to trample you to death and not even know it. I give them a wide berth. I saw a couple of guys killed that way when I was a kid. There are other examples of that that I could use.

The difference, I think, is that never having seen anyone killed in inlines or mountainbiking I believe that I am invincible. Happen to others? Maybe! To me never!

Totally dumb on my part. I must be a wannabe offroader. \:D



#123509 - 02/22/05 04:12 AM Re: i don't kno where to post this-so here! maybe Triggers
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Logan, hey you could mention us all here in this post. It is surprising just how many survival instincts you already show to the World.

My life when I want it to be takes me out into the wilds and enjoy the beauty of nature, and embrace the World, as I could remember the good times of being alone with nature as a child.

Finding inner peace with nature and just looking at the wonders of the World that cost nothing, but money cannot buy, is in itself so much a wonder.

Maybe this is the positive part of recovery that gets us through.


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#123510 - 02/22/05 05:13 AM Re: i don't kno where to post this-so here! maybe Triggers
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

I'm glad to see I'm not alone on this topic.

Logan, like you I love the outdoors and water. I was raised on an island and have never been further that 30 miles from the ocean or 3 miles from the river. I surf, body surf, surf fish, kayak, sail, canoe, go crabbing, and love whitewater rafting in NC, but the one thing I am most afraid of is a lot of water. I hated watching "Titanic", not because of the sappy characters, but watching all that dark water that was 2 miles deep. Shit, that's a lot of water!!

I live to be outdoors. I hate winter because I cant get out as much as I want. I get depressed if it is cloudy for more than 2-3 days. I love the sun and have had numerous pre-cancers removed as a result. But I am horrified of snakes! Florida is chock full of 'em, too.

I envy you Dave, and can totally relate to Mikey. I drove a Jeep in 1997 and drove it until last year when I gave it to my son. It is jet black and is beautiful when clean. I never once drove it off road because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get it clean enough again. My son lives off road in it, now! Boy that drives me nuts, but I am reminded that it is no longer mine. I am also overly prepared, Dave. I have more survival gear on my sailboat than the law allows. (That water thing!)

I love to drive fast. I was on my home from out of town Sunday and was talking to Andrei on the phone. He wanted to know how fast I was going. I looked and was cruising at 90-95 mph. A few minutes later the car ahead of me was pulled over, because he must have been going 110. But, I NEVER drive fast with my family in the car. They swear I'll be killed in an auto accident, but they dont realize that I am safe. It must be safe or why does the speedometer go to 160?

I do a lot of these things because they give me a rush, but also its "what real men do." I guess we all have these limits that we hit to bring us back down the earth, so to speak, but I wonder if pushing the envelope is a way of assuring us that we are in fact men. I have problems with that from time to time. Am I masculine enough. Enough for what?


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