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#122567 - 12/14/04 01:54 AM By the numbers....a loss for us all
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1990
Loc: Northern Ohio
I have been studying the #'s here at MS. We currently, (as of 2:00PM, Dec 13, 2004) have 2020 registered members.
What you probably don't know is that the top 216 posters account for the Majority of Posts here on the collective Forums.
Top 20 = just under 30,000 postings
The next 196 = 30,005 postings
40% of all registered members, roughly 800 people, have Never made a single post.
Another 30%, have made 1 - 5 posts.
We have had a lot of new members join over the last few months, but not 800!

My question is,
How do we encourage the Majority to be more involved in Their Own Forum.

Itís the PEOPLE that make this Forum what it is. And MS could be so much more, if we could gather the insight, ideas, opinions, thoughts, feelings, knowledge, & experience of the rest.

Where did we go wrong?
What should we be doing better?
What do the rest of you Need to feel comfortable, safe & wanted, in order to get you to post?

See, you didnít have to Register to just visit & read Posting. You took that extra step & became a Registered Member. And with that, you have the ability to put your opinions in print.

So, Besides those that have only been here less than a few times, what's stopping you?

#122568 - 12/14/04 02:49 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Over 2000 members, in reality this site would fall apart if the ones out there really found us and utilise the site, the ones in need.

Then there is the language barrier, deaf, blind and mentally ill are also a barrier to getting this information.

It really saddens me to see the amount of members who didn't post a thing, it freaks me out to think what went on there, just hope they were not survivors, hope they were doing some project or what!

A site like this really is a legacy of the woman who founded it, God must have a special place for her.

Since I have been here, I have found answers to many things that I had experienced, but sometimes I come up against things totally forgotten. Sometimes knocks me sideways, thinking, how the hell could I have forgotten such an important life event.

take care,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#122569 - 12/14/04 03:51 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Blacken,
How do we encourage the Majority to be more involved in Their Own Forum.
I think we have to accept that we will always have a Silent Majority. It is the nature of SA that people want to be SILENT and HOPE it will just go away. By the time people realize that it is not going away, they have been silent for so long that they are afraid that people will not understand them, or will reject them if they do talk about what is troubling them.

How can we fight the Silent Majority? By being as real in our posts as we know how to be. I have had a few of my posts that guys have posted replies to that they had thought they were the only one to have thoughts like that. I don't know if replying to me was their first post or not. I do hope they continued to post, the more we post the more we come out of our shell.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#122570 - 12/14/04 06:56 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Strangely, I was talking about this very subject earlier tonight as a friend of mine and I were discussing setting up a local site for Survivors over here.

I couldn't remember the exact figures that Blacken has posted, but I knew that there were many 'hits' and people that actually 'sign on' and never result in a posting.

Each of those people came here for a reason, I would think it's very few people who come by accident, certainly amongst those that 'sign on'

On the old site I remember that new members ( not paid members, those that signed on ) were always listed at the top of the home page, and as often as I could I would send a welcome message to them. I even had one as a template in the end to copy and paste, although I would try and add something personal.
But I don't think the list appears any more?

What we can do to encourage people to become a part of active group is hard to say?
We do welcome people here, and unlike any of the other groups ( mainly 4x4 and off-road ) that I visit we don't ever call newcomers 'newbies' and flame them for asking something that's already been asked before, this is a remarkably friendly site compared to some others I've seen, including some Survivors sites that I won't mention here!

So, if you have any suggestions at all then shout up please.
We know that MS is a good place for us to be, many of you let me and the Mod's know how much it has helped you, and we thank you for telling us, so what can we do to tell those people that come, look, and then go away, to stick around instead?


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#122571 - 12/14/04 07:15 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hey guys,

I certainly do not think this phenomenon is unique to MaleSurvivor or to men who have been sexually abused.

My experiences working with alcoholics, drug addicts and emotionally, psychologically disturbed folks has shown me that many are called but few are chosen, to steal a phrase.

This is not easy stuff to do. It is an extremely daunting task to undertake. Definitely not for the faint hearted.

We are here for everyone. But not everyone is ready to be here.

So while some ongoing spot checks on 'how are we doing at MaleSurvivor' are always a good idea, I don't think we will ever find 'the solution' to make people do what we think they should be doing.

I have heard it said many, many times and I do agree that "Recovery is not for those who need it, it is for those who want it."

Lots of people need what we have here, because lots of guys are abused. But not all of us want it. Why? Probably as many reasons as there are guys.

Someone who I depend on for support and advice reminds me often that most of us want to 'feel' better, but most of us don't want to get better, that is do the extremely tough work needed.

I will always be grateful to Scott Peck for his book title, "The Road Less Travelled". He is referring to the difficult path those who undertake a life of fulfilment and healing must take.

It is the Road less travelled and we are on it.

My duty I guess is not to make others come here, but to maintain the road so that it is always here.

One last personal comment. This is what I have often said in reference to admitting to and working on such difficult things as the effects of sexual abuse.

It is my experience that the majority of people would rather live their lives in misery and despair than to dare face the real truth about themselves and the world they have helped create.

They say that now about 10% of alcoholics given the chance to recover actually do. The figure for crack addicts, for example, is less than 2%.

This is not the only place men can find help. It is just the best one that I have found.

I'm planning on doing my part to keep this pathway open and accessible and friendly to all who come for a visit or for a lifetime of healing and helping others.

This is a great topic.


"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#122572 - 12/14/04 08:42 PM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
MollyHatchetrules Offline

Registered: 11/13/04
Posts: 31
Loc: Hoover, AL USA
I don't think there is anything that can be done which would make the people who are uncomfortable post more often. They will just do it when they feel like it. I have been here almost a month and I think the last post I put up "feeling sub-human" in the male survivors forum was my 10th. For some people it's not a matter of being uncomfortable. For me, most of the time, it's not knowing what to say. I signed up about half a week before I made my first post, and during that time between signing up and making that post, I spent every second of my free time reading other posts here. Another reason I was uncomfortable posting here was because I wanted to be sure that there wasn't any prejudice towards homosexuals here. Since most male rape/sexual abuse victims were hurt by a man, it's understandable that there might be some since some people would mistake what was done to them for homosexuality. I did. But after seeing that there isn't, I was alright. I'm starting to ramble on now, so I'll stop here.

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you will join us
And the world will live as one
-John Lennon

#122573 - 12/17/04 08:44 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1799
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
I donít know, I just looked at the top of my screen and saw 27 guests taking a look around! I think that is great! How many of them are here for the first time finding out they are not alone? I think that is so wonderful to see that many people hang out here. And the record number for visitors was only just this past November with 72!

If nothing else, I think the message is getting out there. Even if they move on, they know that we will always be here if they need us.

#122574 - 12/17/04 02:46 PM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
x-fred Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 3
Loc: us
I have been here for a long time... much longer than my registration would indicate... but I think this is only the second time been able to actually click the button to add my post.
More than once I have written "my story" only to delete it before posting.
More than once I have written a reply only to delete it before posting.
I guess I'm not ready.
BUT reading about what others are going through or went through is very helpful to me. And, in an odd way, I think being able to write out my thoughts, even though I haven't been able to take the final step to post, has really helped me.
It's hard to explain, but just signing up was such a major step for me that it had a very positive impact.

#122575 - 12/17/04 10:41 PM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1799
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Thank You x-fred. What you say is so powerful.

congrats on your second post! It takes time to feel comfortible and only gets easier as time goes on.

When you are ready to tell your story, we will all listen. . .

you will be heard. . .

and you will be believed.

You know this but I will tell you anyway, You are not alone.

Take Care.

#122576 - 12/18/04 12:47 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Thanks, Roland, you do us all a service with this post. If just one or two others, "join," us by posting something that they've been thinking about but haven't posted for one reason or another, you've done just what you're original post asks: "How can we get others who are, "just over there," to come over here and post what's on their mind?
I'd say, you've done it.

Thank you,


"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#122577 - 12/18/04 02:39 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
brokentoys Offline

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 149
Loc: So. California
Hi guys,
I just wanted to put in my 2 cents here. I run a diabetic board and belong to a few others as well. I have found over the years that we have many lurkers. Some people just can't bring themselves to write, but in many cases just reading the stories that are shared is a form of therapy. It's not just about SA it's about anything that people consider to be private. Many people consider a chronic disease like diabetes to be private and they cannot write about it either. Trust me, I cried for 2 weeks when I found out I had diabetes. Now by sharing my stories I have had many people write me in private and thank me for sharing. The same is true here. Many people will read and many will be helped, many more than we will ever know about. Some people are just not able to share. That's okay too, because they need this place at least as much as the rest of us! JMHO.

It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

Arnold Bennet

#122578 - 12/18/04 03:31 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
I haven't been posting simply bec. my relationship with my friend is in a place now where we are both acting more predictable: I have a lot fewer questions that need to be answered than I did a year ago. Because of all the incredibly honest, open, generous people here, I am much much more able to take all in stride & concentrate on my friend's wonderful qualities instead of feeling so shut out when he needs to take time to heal.

I do keep myself informed by reading entries that seem relevant to my own circumstances AND I also PM a lot bec. I don't post on the Guys' forum.

Here's another question: are we keeping track of the membership dues? I suddenly realized we are almost at the very end of the year & isn't it time for me to renew????

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#122579 - 12/20/04 04:46 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hello Kolisha, it's always good to see you here.

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#122580 - 12/20/04 05:36 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Michael Offline

Registered: 12/05/04
Posts: 92
Loc: Claremore, Oklahoma
I have been here since I started therapy, but it takes a long time to feel comfortable enough to actually post. Once you start though, the flood gates will open with most people.

This site has been a Godsend with me but even more so for my wife.

Thanks guys for all the help this site has given!!!

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers

#122581 - 12/21/04 11:03 PM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1799
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Yeah, those first posts are the scariest! Boy I was so nervous! Now look at me, you canít get me to stop! :rolleyes:

#122582 - 12/24/04 09:31 AM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1990
Loc: Northern Ohio
26 more brave soul have joined the ranks in just the last 10 days.

#122583 - 12/24/04 05:49 PM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
ak Offline

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I have been here most a year, I think in January, and I do not have so many posts. I do try to read things here, I do not read every post, because I have hard time to read, and harder time to read in English still, so it takes me longer time. And to respond, lot times I do not think I can say anything good that other people, they will say it better then me. It takes longer time to respond, to think the right words. And still, some things, they are hard for me to 'talk on' here, but is better for me to do it with just one person instead. This is good place, maybe it is just people use it different ways?


#122584 - 01/01/05 10:25 PM Re: By the numbers....a loss for us all
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1990
Loc: Northern Ohio
Another 21 joined up in 8 days!
Wow, that's Great. Thanks for coming & welcome.
Sorry you needed to, of course, but glad you found us.

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