I met a woman a year ago, whom i love with all my heart..i can feel it deep inside me, though i never confess, that she's the One...
U, your story in many ways sounds so much like my own. The woman I love with all my heart, I met 23 years ago, and I know she is the one. I knew it then and I know it now more than ever. And I tell her so!
U, tell her!
I though that finally, after so many years, i finally can lead a normal life..but after being with her for 3 mths..the uneasiness started to take over me again..don't get me wrong, she's perfect..it's me..all the problem lies with me..she's patient, kind, loving, faithful..
U, this sounds so much like my wife, and myself, and the way our marriage started off, and still goes sometimes, tho far more rarely now. There is hope. Believe it. Don't give up on what sounds like a very good thing. Get the help & support you need.
But i keep feeling i'm not good enough for her, i'm a psycho! I'm imperfect! I'm not good enough for her! She has told me countless times whatever fault i have, it's the past and yet she still loves me. But i felt so guilty( i don't understand why..)..
Bingo! You hit the jackpot. Ditto! How many times have I told my "one" these things, and had her respond in much the same way as your "one" does to you. Believe her. Let her decide whether or not you are good enuf for her; she certainly seems to think you are.
But above all, believe in yourself. Love yourself.
This makes it easier for others to believe in you & love you. It helps you to believe others can believe in you & love you. It enables you to believe, believe in, and love others.
Are you psycho? Unlikely. Are you imperfect? Who isn't? Are you guilty? Of what? Of having been abused & having your life messed up from it? Like that was your fault? No way man!
Your woman sees in you what my wife has stubbornly insisted on seeing in me even at my worst: the real me. Not the me my perps tried to make of me or society tried to silence me into being. But ME. And she loves me. Your woman clearly loves you.
Fellow survivor, that doesn't come along too often to too many people. Know who you are and love yourself, knowing you are loveable becuz you are you, drawing on the strength & affirmation of her love for you.
i finally confided in her my deep dark secret that i'm abnormal and that we can't continue with the relationship. (because I don't think we can ever get into a sexual relationship in future, with anyone)
The pain in her eyes tore me apart.
That you confided your secret--not that you are abnormal, BTW, but that you were abused--is good.
That you can't continue the relationship--well, you have to decide that.
U, just make sure you are
deciding it. Not your abuse, for you are more than your abuse. Not your perps, why let them abuse you further? Not anyone or anything but your real true
self, the self she loves, the self that loves her.
U, some people for whatever reasons can't
have sexual relationships. But, as I'm having to learn the hard way, love is a lot more than just sex. It doesn't even have to include it, if you both can & actually have to live with that.
But don't underestimate your own resiliency against your abuse. Don't underestimate your capacity to love & be loved sexually and in every way. It's amazing & awesome what love can do!...
She's the kindest person on Earth and I have to hurt her that way. But i thought if i do not tell her now, it will hurt her even more if the realtionship gets further.
No, you do not have
to hurt her that way. You
don't even want to.
In my own times i have done this to my wife, it
was not the real me speaking but the pain, shame & false guilt of my abuse, it was my perps, my family & others telling me I couldn't do anything but hurt, and hurt others. More & more I'm learning to speak for myself. You can too. In many ways you already have. Don't quit now!
Becuz it sounds to me like your relationship has already gone pretty far, and you will really hurt her, & yourself, if you end it. That's just what it sounds like to me from my own experience which of course is not your own...
She still will not give up on me, bent on helping me get back 'to the right track'. I felt even more guilty..I do not deserve someone as wonderful as her! What good do i have to make her sacrifice her future for me?
Good for her not giving up on you; now don't give up on yourself! Don't let your perpetrators & critics win.
You most certainly do deserve someone as wonderful as her, becuz she thinks you do, & she thinks you're wonderful, too!
Doesn't sound like she considers a future with you a sacrifice and it sounds like she sees plenty
of good in you. In fact, I already see good in you as I'm sure others here do too.
I ask her to give up on me and find a better, NORMAL guy..but she said she has already given her heart and soul to me, and it will always be me...
Oh U, again this sounds so much like the dialog between me & my wife off & on (fortunately more off as time goes on). It breaks her heart when I tell her to give up on me & find someone else, and I know damned well that's the last thing I really want. When she says it will always be me I never had any reason not to believe her, and I still don't.
My wife affectionately says that being married to a "normal" guy would be a real drag!
Hey she had that chance but she chose me instead.
Surely your wonderful woman has had ample opportunity to have other more "normal" guys. Why do you think she chose you?
Becuz as Elliot indicated, normal is boring, it is a standard placed on us by others who are supposedly normal but are just the people with the power or the money or the prestige--all things highly overrated & unfulfilling in the face of love!
so much dilema right now...how can i hurt her further? how can i do that to her?
Good questions. In my case, I couldn't. I couldn't keep hurting her further. I couldn't do that to her.
So I did what my heart of hearts my real inner me told me to do.
I stayed with her, and I never regret it.
She said that I may have had 13 years of suffering, but when i fell for her, God has given me a chance of happiness for eternity...
is that true?
It was true for me. As for you, of course you must
Certainly it is very possible, and from what little I know in what you've shared it seems very likely.
All I know is I wouldn't want to risk throwing away even a chance at something like that. Even tho there were times when I did risk it. Now I thank God I didn't blow it.
U, please take the time to make sure that whatever
you do you don't make a mistake you may regret even for eternity...
Don't let your perp, your abuse, your critics & skeptics, do that to you. Don't let those who perpetrated your suffering continue to perpetuate your suffering. Take control & do for yourself what is best for you, and for her.
I truly do not wish to turn into a gay. I want to lead a normal life too. I want to give the woman I loved (love?) a lifetime of happiness. I'm so confused. Who can give me any idea what I should do to get on with my life?
U, no one & nothing can turn you gay. If you don't want to be gay you won't be.
Believe me I speak from experience, and experience
that I'm just recently getting more total recall on & facing up to, on this, as I share about in the post you can link to below:
You can live a "normal" life--by not doing what your abusive past says, but by being you.
You want to give the woman you love (sounds to me like you still love her; and why not?) a lifetime
of happiness. Well she wants you to, too. So why not do it? You can do it.
U, the support of your fellow survivors here, a live support group for survivors if you can find one, a good therapist, good reading--these are all
things that can help.
Bottom line: get on with your life & don't let anybody or anything stop you. Do what you want to do. Make her happy. Share her happiness. Be happy with her. Let love cast out fear. Be you.
Take care of yourself, take it easy on yourself, love yourself, love your love.