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#11509 - 10/08/02 11:59 PM sharing more
bec Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men. i do not have much time. you see the weather is great and i hope to go enjoy it. i do not remember where i left off at on my previous post. where i am today is not good. the day was tough. we have been struggling with irrational thoughts and their harmful emotions. these are a symptom of my anxiety disorder i do believe. i think that is what my dr. told me some time ago. the thoughts are "we will not survive. we are a failure, a waste. we'd be better off dead. suicide would be a good idea. we can always end our life." this is how bad it gets. i am eternally grateful to have learned that these sick thoughts that i have experienced since childhood are a creation of my illness. it is my wounded brain that creates them. but trust me they come out of nowhere and they can hit me strong. and the emotions that come along with them seem as real and as powerful as any i have ever felt. i do not how i would combat them without knowing that they are part of my illness. it is my wounded brain that creates them. i must always remember this. i am so grateful to my God for this awareness. somehow i got through them as a child without this awareness. i know that my God was with me. well guys i feel better and the sun is setting. take care. and may our higher powers bless and strengthen us all.


#11510 - 10/10/02 11:46 PM Re: sharing more
bec Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

it's just me again. is it possible to post a reply to your own listing on the board. well, i think i am doing it.

ok, i am sorry to say i am struggling today. i do not want to get on this board and just list downness or down thoughts/moods. but, that is where i am right now. i remember my Dr. saying that my dysthmic disorder causes me to often feel a bit depressed so i think mild depression is like my base emotion. the place where i often find myself.

I'm just not doing well. i once again had a suicidal thought earlier. i was bathing and it came to me. i am in a lot of pain these days for a number of reasons. 1. i am unemployed 2. i have no friends 3. i will turn 40 in less than 1 month 4. i have no partner in my life 5. i could go on.

BUT, i also have important things to be grateful for, thank God. i am alive, still young, intelligent, caring, compassionate, honest, educated, loved. yes, i have much to be grateful for. i must remember to look at the half full glass that is my life and see all the possibilities, not the imposs.. this is the only way my God wants me to be. to think of the positive, not the negative. thanks, Lord.

something else i want to share is today marks one year to the day since the last time i rented and masturbated to pornography. i have relied on porn for almost 20 years. like i said in my earlier post i have never been able to trust enough to be intimate/have sex. i am a 39 year old virgin. it really hurts to say that but, it is true. i don't want to lie on this board. instead i'll write the truth. who knows, maybe it will set me free.

so, why did i stop getting porn? to avoid the costs: financial & emotional and my psychologist encouraged me to stop. so some time ago i started to really question my use of porn. i found that often after i was finished with it i would sink into a lot of hurt and pain. i would feel real lonely and disappointed and wonder if viewing porn was the closest i would ever come to real intimacy. but, at the same time i really miss the rush, the escape from my emptiness that i seemed to get from porn.

i own about 8 porn tapes and during the last year i have viewed them and masturbated many times. i can't say that i have not viewed porn in 12 months but i have not rented "fresh" porn in that long. when was my last orgasm? i can't remember. i havn't orgasmed or viewed any porn in weeks. months? i do not know.

i get strong urges. earlier today i had an urge to go rent porn. but, i didn't. sometimes i ask myself "why? why have we not returned to it? eventually we may have to." well, i am not ready to give in just yet. who knows, i may give in tonight. i really do not know. i guess i am just tired of it for now.

so what now? i know i have a lot i need to deal with. running away from a bad situation can never help it. i know this. i have ran away many times in my life but, i am doing my best to not run away today. and for this, i am truly grateful. thank you Lord.

men, i've said enough for now. i'm really glad this board and this site exists. thanks to everyone who will read this. may we all do our best to live the healthiest, fullest lives we can. we all deserve nothing less. God bless.


#11511 - 10/11/02 12:29 AM Re: sharing more
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire

instead i'll write the truth. who knows, maybe it will set me free.
This is the place to start, the truth. Be true to yourself and it does set you free.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#11512 - 10/11/02 06:37 AM Re: sharing more
mrsunshineguy Offline

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi Bec,

Sorry for down times, and congrats on breaking with the porn stuff. It sounds like it was bad for you, and from what I have observed, living in the fantasy world does tend to exclude one from the real world.

Like L said, good job on truth telling on yourself. But try not to be too hard on you . . . you know what happened to the last perfect person? \:\) \:\)

See you,


#11513 - 10/11/02 03:37 PM Re: sharing more
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

I relate, brother. If you like see my post of today under "Colliding Views." Take care.


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck


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