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#11428 - 01/15/04 11:51 PM struggling
bec Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men/fellow survivors:

i have not posted here in a while. what do i wanna say? i am struggling. my life is pretty empty. i identify with many of the things shared/posted on this site.

i am an adult survivor, abused by both parents, emotionally incested by my mother for 30 years. i have pulled away from both parents for my own safety.

my 'coping mechanisms' have been many: overeating, overmasturbating to pornography, playing sports, watching television, etc.

it has been 118 weeks since i last rented pornography. i miss it VERY MUCH. i do not know how much longer i can abstain. i am not even sure why i abstain.

i have never been able to have an intimate relationship. every time i tried to my wounds would not allow it.

i have been in therapy before but am not in it now. i had a bad experience the last time and i am in no hurry to trust a mind doctor again.

i learned of a men's support group near me. i attended one meeting but felt uncomfortable. it meets in a local church. it has no professional leader. the 3 men all claimed to be 'born again Christians'. i am not religious, but i am spiritual. for different reasons i felt uncomfy in that meeting. but, i desperately need emotional support. i may try another session of this men's support group or i may not. i really dont know.

i know i need help. i ask myself if resuming therapy is my only hope for relief. i do not know.

i have not worked in some time. i lost my last job due to a health problem. this is a really difficult time in my life.

sometimes i wish i had my own computer in order to visit this site and enter the chatroom. but, i fear i would use the pc to get lost in internet porn. and, that frightens me.

please say a prayer for me men. that we all do the very best we can/live this life in our best way. may our Gods bless us all. sincerely,


#11429 - 01/16/04 12:04 AM Re: struggling
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I understand what you're saying. This isn't a very happy time for me right now as well, and sometimes it feels like I'm holding on by the teeth. British teeth. (very weak joke about the state of British dentistry \:D )

I wish there were some words, any at all, I could say that would be of comfort. I think the one thing that I can is to hang in there. Having a bad experience with a therapist can color your opinion of them for life, but if you haven't already tried them, you might call your local rape crisis center. Mine found me a great therapist who has helped me a great deal. Be aware that, at least in my area, that the majority of them are women. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I feel more comfortable with a woman than a man as a therapist (for maybe obvious reasons).

It's also good that you are avoiding potentially destructive behaviors. Too much of anything can be a bad thing. Try to keep at it.

We're here if you need. Hang on. It will get better.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#11430 - 01/18/04 10:48 PM Re: struggling
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Bec - It really is hard to enter an intimate or even just a close relationship when caught in the porn and maturbatory trap. With porn, we masturbate to inanimate photos who don't usually reflect our real life circumstances. When we masturbate, we fantasy and control what we want and desire. Both are under our control while in real life we have some control but not total control. Intimacy or closeness is a matter of give and take, releasing our control. That may not be easy for abuse survivors because they generally, early in healing, fear control loss which led to the abuse.

Learning more social and relational skills and surrendering total control, usually requires some outside therapy or group work. Being in a group is also to involve in give and take... being vulnerable at some points. This is a part of healing and taking our life back.

I empathize with your bad experience with a therapist and we all know there are good and bad therapists out there; but, look at some of the good articles Ken Singer and others have provided on the home page regarding therapists.

I hope things turn around for you!! Keep seeking help here and wherever you can!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#11431 - 01/20/04 09:25 AM Re: struggling
Kurt Offline

Registered: 12/29/03
Posts: 42
Loc: New England

Done... you are in my prayers.

Hang in there, and know that we are pulling for you.

I hope that things get better, and that you feel strong again! I know that finding a group or counselor with whom you are comfortable can be tough, but it is worth the effort.

Even your experience with the 3 born-again dudes at least taught you that you didn't feel at home there, right? =)

Move on, don't quit!

Best to you, BEC.


"Looking good, Billy Ray!"
"Feeling good, Lewis!"

#11432 - 01/20/04 09:52 PM Re: struggling
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Bec you are in my prayers.

But my brother hang with us when you can. You can lean on my shoulder anytime you want to and that goes for all the guys here.

I am a recovering alcoholic and been in AA for almost 27 years. I never said I would never drink again. I just commit to not doing it today. Maybe that can help with the porn. Give it a try.



#11433 - 01/21/04 08:52 AM Re: struggling
Em Offline

Registered: 01/19/04
Posts: 38
Loc: North East Ohio
I understand how you feel about therapy. I've had only negative experiences with it in the past. Part of it may have been the therapist fault and I know at the time a lot of it was my not being ready to face things. I saw doctors and therapists for my extreme depression, a symptom of the real issues. Issues which were never dealt with back then.

I'm just now for the first time in my life facing what happened to me in the past. I know that at some point I'll probably need to seek therapy again. But I'm very skeptical based on my earlier experience. You are not alone, and I'm glad to read your posting. It helps me to realize that among others, issues like therapy, as well as pornography issues are issues i share with good people trying to heal.

Hang in there. I'm working now to try and figure out all of my 'coping mechanisms' or the ways I've numbed myself. A lot of them seem healthy and normal until i realize how i feel when i do them, and how i feel after i do them.

I believe in a brighter day. For each of us. And i pray for a brighter day for each of us who can so rarely see anything past the dark. I know it's there.

#11434 - 01/25/04 06:47 PM Re: struggling
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here

I am sorry that you are so low, and having such difficulty right now. I can relate, as it seems this 'healing' journey is very much an 'up and down' thing, and hard to deal with sometime. But I try to keep my faith that there is the better life as I go through it.

Are you maybe punishing yourself, by not renting the porn? You said yourself that you do not know why you abstain. Well, if what you were doing was something that does not cause harm to anyone (yourself included), then why is it wrong, why should you abstain from it? I am only trying to understand it. Maybe you feel that you were being harmed by what you were doing or how you were engaging in it. But it seems to me that if it is not something so bad, then by abstaining from it, maybe you are hurting yourself more. I suppose only you can know the answer to that.

I do wish you had more access to this site when you need it. I hope that somehow you find some peace of mind soon. I will be wishing you good luck, and wishing you well.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963


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