Welcome to the brotherhood of the wolfpack of Male Survivors. You are in the pack & not a lone wolf, fellow survivor. Here we support & take care
of & protect one another.
As Mike so wisely said, "Roy, masculinity has nothing to do with sexual orientation believe me"
You can have positive & healthy relationships with men, even one that does not necessarily involve sex, whatever your sexual orientation.
My name is Roy Riverton and I am 47 years old. I grew up without a father's love in my life and during my early childhood I was sexually abused by my mother, her boy friend and my uncle. When I was 15 I was molested by a friend of the family whom I had reached out to--to be a father to me and to help me understand why I have homosexual feelings.
Roy I'm 46 and also grew up w/o a father's love. My mother left him when I was 3 or 4 but during those years he was physically & sexually abusive.
But my mother was my primary perp, who also later involved a boyfriend in incesting me.
**************Could be triggering*****************
When I was older, 11, she sold me to a gay couple--who were supposed to be my friends as well as hers--to be taken to their apartment & raped. I believe this was part of her attempt to make me homosexual as she was highly jealous of other women or girls; I was her surrogate husband. As I got older she also took me to nudist colonies & told me to look at the men; she also had me watch her have sex with men, and at times had me join in
as with the boyfriend. This in spite of the fact I had no homosexual feelings or tendencies; tho after the rape I did struggle with it briefly.
**************End Trigger Warning****************
Still, this got me really hung up about having any
kind of close relationships with men, along with the societal view, still common even now, that men
who had close friendships with other men were gay.
It's not a question of whether or not it was right
or wrong to be gay. It was a question of whether it was right or wrong for me
to be gay. It was clearly wrong, becuz I clearly was not.
But now I struggled even more to have a healthy relationship with a man. It was bad enuf already due to the usual absence & abusiveness when present of my father & of virtually every man who quickly passed thru my childhood life.
All of my life I have struggled with self image and sexual identity problems and all the other problems caused by sex abuse. I have always felt compelled to physically compare myself to other men--espcially older men--the father that I never had. Even when I see a man who's genitals are small like mine I don't feel any better about myself.
Ron I too have struggled mightily with sexual identity issues, and they have messed up my relationships not only with men in general, but also with women in general.
I would also physically compare myself with, and compete with, other boys/men. This was an ongoing
challenge becuz I was not the strongest guy around
& had not learned much about fighting, sports or
"man" stuff becuz men weren't around & I was raised by my mother & other domineering women.
My way of trying to prove my manhood became obsessive efforts to "get" as many girls/women as I could. This was to be a "double bonus": first, prove I'm more of a man than the men who abuse or neglected me in childhood & who think they are better than me now, by getting more women than them; second, get back & control women sexually, as a way of "showing" women I'm a man & in control
& getting back at my mother & other abusive domineering women of my childhood, as well as those who think they are too good for me now.
Well, even when I did "get" women I didn't feel any more like a man. I ended up, actually quite young, addicted to sex, an obsessive compulsive user of FPM (Fantasy Porn Masturbation)--which I still struggle with some to this day.
I really started working on my problem with women
when I got married to my current wife of 23 years.
This has been a happy marriage, tho we've had our times & I still struggle with intimacy, more emotionally than sexually, but both; they go together for me anyway.
Really tho, in spite of my hatred of females, I always got along with them better than men. Probably just becuz I was around them more & more comfortable/familiar with them.
Overcoming my hatred of & insecurities with men has been a lot harder, and only very recently am I starting to plow some tough ground of progress in this area. I've long been either too much in competition with men or mistrusting of them to get close to any.
Yes a father or any positive older masculine figure was/is missing from my life. Also just plain masculine friendship & support has been missing as well. Brotherly love, of which there have been only sporadic traces thru the years.
This has been painful for me, as thru the years I've become more & more convinced that close bonds
of friendship, support, accountability & intimacy
with other men is important. Just as such relationships with women are important. But it has been so hard to reach out, to trust.
Yet several months ago a fellow male survivor with whom I shared a lot of common problems & interests reached out to me. I was able to reach back, and we have become close friends, the brothers to each other we never had, and positive
male role models in a positive male relationship.
This has been a test & sometimes scary for both of us. High risk, but high reward.
Men need to have healthy intimate and I think not necessarily always sexual relationships with other men, as women do with other women.
Until recently this was part of the social fabric of our society (USA) as it still is in many parts
of the world. The more women & men have becuz of economic competition & social hangups taken time for intimacy of some sort only with those of the opposite sex, the more they have not done well having that kind of intimacy either.
Women, as wonderful as my wife & daughters & a couple of good female friends are, cannot fulfill all my needs or stretch me to my fullest & best. This requires, for me, intimacy with men as well.
I am glad to have such a friend now. It is inspiring me to try to renew some such
friendships that I'd had to a degree in recent years but lost touch with, probably becuz it was easy to excuse doing so with my lack of trust.
It is also improving my relationships with women especially my wife as it lowers my expectations & demands on her.
Well, Roy, sorry to ramble so much in the ear of one so new here! I hope this sharing of my ESH (Experience Strength Hope) will be of some help to you.
I do believe you can find fatherly & brotherly bonds of love here, Ron. Just take your time, take it easy on yourself & take care of yourself.