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#10589 - 10/18/01 10:48 AM about relating to a fa**er that s**u*lly a*u*ed you
manchild Offline

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
How do you all relate to a fa**er that s**u*lly a*u*ed you? How was it to stop seeing and communicating, or how do you relate and how do you feel about relating?

Once i hoped to be able to relate again with my father, to keep the door slightly open, giving him a chance to say "i am sorry", me a chance to get to know more about my fathers family and to relate to my younger halfbrother and -sister.

A therapist advised me to keep distant and work on issues with my father without him.
Keeping distant took a lot of grief. Not only accepting that "it" happened, but also the loss of relating to my father, stephmother, halfbrother and sister.

I don't want to make myself dependent of him once again. I expect him to keep on denying.


Are you willing to tell?

[ October 18, 2001: Message edited by: manchild ]

#10590 - 10/18/01 05:45 PM Re: about relating to a fa**er that s**u*lly a*u*ed you
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Before my revelation, things were pretty normal; my dad doesn't always talk a lot, but it's not like our conversations were one-sided.

We could talk about movies (old ones, particularly), or he would show me the things he's worked on with his photo-editing software. I had been trying to bring him into the 21st century with other aspects of his computer. Whenever I had any problem in my life, I would tell him first, so he could tell my mom in a way that she wouldn't freak out.

Since my revelation, I've basically just avoided him. Since my parent's live 1/2 hour away, it's been easy to find excuses not to visit. This, in itself, isn't out of the ordinary; I've had many spaces in time that I had "dropped off the earth" and they didn't know what was happening with me.

I'm going to be moving out of my apartment in a week, and some of my stuff will need to be stored elsewhere. I would like to ask them to let me store some stuff in their garage, but I can't just impose without spending some time with them first. So I need to visit them in person today, or tomorrow.

I'm not completely sure that it was my dad that abused me. It's based upon a feeling, not a fully formed memory. My memories haven't provided me with a face, only shadows. So I have doubt that he was the one. And that throws in the guilt that I might be blaming him unnecessarily.

My therapist hasn't called me back in almost 2 weeks, to make an appointment. I guess I'll add that to my "to do" list for today.

Sorry, Manchild, I don't think I have any constructive ideas on dealing with a dad. I'm not ready to deal with it, so I'm doing what I usually do; avoiding it.

We're in this together.


We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#10591 - 10/19/01 04:30 AM Re: about relating to a fa**er that s**u*lly a*u*ed you
fmighell Offline

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
I relate to my Dad over the phone and once a year I see him in person. This last July 2001 as a family reuion we were attending, at the seaworld at Seward Alaska and the Alaska Native Heritage Center, in public place's.
With a sister and brother also.
I find they have a loyalty to him. I do not.
I do not trust him. I can not count on him for anything. When I told him all that I had recalled from my early childhood years, under his parenting care, all he tells me is that he doesn't remeber, and he can't find any of the early family pictures. snap-shots
My other brother that remebered that I had been sodomized by our Dad's friend and our Dad didn't do anything to stop him from hurting me again, tell's me that our Dad's way of dealing with what happened to me, is by just forgetting about it.
A counselor also advised me not to expect much from my Dad, in any acknowlegedement of what happened, in any way. So what would you do if your Dad say's he love's you? like my Dad say's to me, even after all is said and done.
I can't forget the time, after he hurt my penis and tried to shoot the both of us, with a shoot gun. I remeber the click, click.
I was ten or twleve years old. I remeber when he just watched from the window. When his ex-friend hurt me. I was thirteen.
Recently he did ask me, my Dad, if I like all the traveling that we had done when we were growing up?
I do not ask God why?, anymore. I think, I accepted what had happened to me, by my Dad.
I see a Psychologist, I have depression issue's and sexual problems, male and female.
fmighell anc ak

#10592 - 10/23/01 01:47 AM Re: about relating to a fa**er that s**u*lly a*u*ed you
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

ok, i will answer that, two part answer,

part one, first off it was my stepfather, and today i dont even consider him at all, he is just not in my life, i wrote to him a few times, never got an honest reply, i always wanted to see him once i was an adult, i got this mental image of him stuck in my head where he is towering over me and much bigger than me, i know that is not true anymore, but the image is still there, i wanted to see him again so i could repicture him with some more realistic perspective.

part two, there is a part of me that still to this day loves him and misses him and lights a candle every once in a while hoping that he will come back and tell me it was all a big mistake and that he really loves me and that he is sorry. I try to be as kind and gentle as i can with that part of me cus i know it is never going to happen.

A lot of losses, a lot of pain.

Safe hugs to you,


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.


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