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#100 - 08/06/01 09:23 PM Re: strength......need advice
babs Offline

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
I think that everyone missed my point completly. Sure, I'm addicted to sex..sure I have different ideas on living as a survivor. Where I grew up there were 10 of us smaller kids that got raped by 20+ older kids and men. This went on for years because our folks were a bunch of drunks or Peds. Now out of the 10, 7 took their lives, one is a junkie and one will not talk at all. So here I am the only real survivor out of the ten. When someone says that they want to kill themselfs I take it for real...not knowing that this person or others do this all the time, when I heard this it happens...I become triggered...death is very real to me. Do I want to help stop it or make it easier? I have seen so much death that I feel someone killing theirself is real and mostly unstopable...are they posting this because they feel down and want everyone to say..hang it there, take one day at a time, and all the little nice things that you say all the time. Is it OK to say something if you are going to do it don't be a fuck up and suffer slowly with bad got 25% heart left...go out with a smile on your face while having sex for the first time in your adult life!!!! I DON"T PLAY GAMES WITH DEATH!!! Maybe no one here wants to hear anything but this hang in there crap, maybe I am too rough and tough to be here...if so have the Web Master "DELETE ME NOW" !
Last year I had to go to a Phy. Hospital for safety..I hated all men and wanted to kill them. I starting picking fights with bigger guys and kicking their asses...why?...because I wanted them to kill me. I didn't screw around with a handfull of drugs...I would punch out a 350 lbs black guy to get him to kill me. OK, here's one for you..what does the 1% mean on a biker's arm...99% of all people are bullshit...all mouth and no action. I thought that I had found a real place with real men. I got tired of hearing all the girls whine in the other sexual abuse grougs. What I found that both don't have balls big enough to even tell their stories...don't you think that a person has to "FORCE" theirselfs to do this in order to recover or heal? I have to force myself to eat...I'm so upset with this abuse crap that I can't even eat, sleep, whatever. Sex addict, when the flashbacks started I couldn't even climax for 3 months and still can't get hard...what the fuck is this? Yes, I have been to 3 dick doctors..tried all the drugs...need a painfull operation for a pump up dick implant...yea like I would love to do, I will force myself to go through with it. For me...some, I like our sex the way it is but my wife don't and wants me inside of her not the other way around.
Everyone here doesn't want me to say it like it Mikie really is going to off himself...he should not use piss poor drugs...He should fuck himself to death !!!!!

Good Bye

#101 - 08/06/01 09:26 PM Re: strength......need advice
babs Offline

Registered: 07/20/01
Posts: 59
Loc: Cub Hill, MD
Sorry this is not Babs this is her nutty old man Getteddie...I didn't notice that she was not signed out.

Good Bye

#102 - 08/06/01 09:43 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I didn't realiz I was on a high horse when I wrote that. I'm sorry.

I do get your point, Eddie (now). What's the point of writing here, if we can't speak our minds?

I'm sorry for your losses.


We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

#103 - 08/06/01 11:59 PM Re: strength......need advice
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Hey Michaelb!

Why now? After all this time, why now? Seriously, I must ask you why give up now?

Look, I've thought about suicide too--I've even seen it with an old friend's suicide a few years back. I think that everyone in this forum has thought about the exact same thing you have. Even at 22, trust me I have been through enough hell myself. Death is certainly no stranger to me. I've attended too many funerals to count. Most recently, I felt it in college with the unexpected death of a good friend. Of all the deaths that I have seen, this hit me the most and made me realize its permanence. There is truly no going back. If you've ever had any dreams before (travelling all over Europe, having a certain profession, or just beating this), you will have essentially crushed ALL of them along with any meaningful relationships you have made.

After years of dealing with this and meeting all sorts of people, I've realized that my life is not the worst one at all...I look at this planet of 6 billion people. Surely there are many people just like you and me but have even dealt with even additional problems--like torture, war, prostitution, poverty... How must they handle it? I even just consider the fact that I have a chance to do this...that I have access to a computer to anonymously find help for abuse and I realize how fortunate I have been. How many others out there do not even have that much?

Look, man...Surely, you have seen "downs" before--I mean look at how long you have been living with the abuse. How can you let the abuse win now, when for so long you have beaten it and said "no"? I mean you've been on this forum for months now, and you know deep down that you don't want to give up. Don't give in, man. I don't know how long it will take you or I to finally beat this thing, but one thing I do know is that if we give up we would have already lost.

I don't care how cheesy it sounds..."hang in there, man"...I think you know deep down that you want to get up again, and fight on. So please do it and get a hold of your life again \:\)

[ 08-06-2001: Message edited by: abcd ]

#104 - 08/07/01 11:53 AM Re: strength......need advice
bosishere Offline

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
abcd, I thank you VERY MUCH for this post. What you write is SO HELPFUL TO ME, and I believe, a lot of others of us on these two web pages - male surviivors, and gay survivors. Calling it "the end of life" is a VERY, VERY DIFFICULT SUBJECT to all people, but to us having been abused, it is especially difficult. Again, thank you, and if possible, please e-mail me direct, so I cound send you a note direct. bos

#105 - 08/07/01 12:18 PM Re: strength......need advice

Mike, if you do it, you let that fucker win. DON"T LET HIM WIN. Man, it would be like he;s screwing you again. That sounds harsh but it;s true. The best thing you can do is live a good life despite what happened to you. Don;t dwell on it. GO out and find something that makes you feel better. Go buy something, go call a friend, go do something for someone, anything, and start to take back your life. Any time one of us lets our lives get fucked up, we let them win. When we think about killing ourselves or someone else we let them win. When we let them take our family away from us we let them win. I want to be able to say Wayne you did this to me but I got past it and carried on, FUCK YOU WAYNE! I don;t know what your family is like but you have friends here and we;d miss you.

#106 - 08/08/01 04:15 PM Re: strength......need advice
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Sorry for the rough talk...been a rough few weeks...need two operations and hate the hospital too. I've been seeing one doctor after another. What I wanted to say today is that I think we all want to be dead at times. I think that the hardest thing that I have ever done is to not kill myself in the last year. I still can't find one reason to stay alive except to take care of my wife and child. Every week when I see my therapist he asks me if I've found a reason to live yet and I say hell no! He is freaked that I will be his first to kill theirselfs! I have a contract to tell him before I do makes him feel better. It is very hard for a man to live with memmories of past sexual abuse! Everyone knows how you feel, it's hard work to stay here.


#107 - 08/14/01 06:34 PM Re: strength......need advice
thunderbolt Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 119
Loc: mi
hard to stay is the easy part just sit down and your there, i think waiting to get the hell out of here is the bitch of the part, waiting around, the longer he makes you stay the more shit you have to put up with, fucking people have to be interacted with, take an other breath dam still here, and dont forget, dont hurt others feelings,,,
the list for waiting can go on forever,the list to stay is there,dam i hate waiting for him to call my number,get me the fuck out of here before some other bullshit happens.....

#108 - 08/14/01 08:31 PM Re: strength......need advice

Hewy everyone. I realy appreciate ALL of your posts. They really speak volumes about how much we all care for one another, even if we may disagree or feel uncomfortable about some of what we share.

I'll jhust add one thing that has helped me tremdndously since one of myt therpists said it to me about 7 years ago. She said the folloiwng:

REMEMBER! As painful as it may feel now, it is now JUST FEELINGS! The actual abuse was far worse, yet we are still here...we survived! What we are now dealing with are the feelings left behind that we have bottled up for years because we were not yet ready to deal with them. The fact that these feelings are emerging now means that we -- our minds, our bodies, our psyches -- are now ready to deal with them! they do not come all at once. Instead, they bubble p over time at a pace that we can handle, even if feels overwhelming. Even that feeling of being overwhelmed is an old feeling that we CAN get through!

REMEMBER: We survived the abuse, so we can certainly survive the emotional fall out that is finally coming out...and as we feel the pain and shame and anger, etc, and slowly let it all go, we heal and open up internal emotional space for other more positive feelings like joy, excitement, happiness, love, etc...

Love and continued healing to you, MichaelB, and to all of us!


#109 - 08/14/01 11:37 PM Re: strength......need advice
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1980
Loc: Northern Ohio
Sorry LanceC, I do not agree. It is NOT 'Just feelings". The frick'in horrible FEELINGS are driving many of us Insane. When the abuse occured, U can reason that there is a logical reason Y U feel like shit. But now, without the physical abuse occuring, all we R left with R those Damn FEELINGS! And they're non-coporeal. They're an "after image". Like the blue dot u see after a flash, U can see, but cant grag it. These "Feelings" are real in that sort of way, and they hurt, I suffer still, even after 20 yrs.

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