I am at peace – good feeling – can’t remember the last time I felt it. I know it’s not the final destination, but it’s a welcome way-station along the way.
It was a 7-tissue session. The end of the “hour” came and went and the T let me keep on going and going. It was nearly two full real-time hours before we finished. That was a gift. I felt like a dam had burst and there were emotions pouring out in frightening and yet satisfying intensity and force. Felt both very hard and very good to just let go and let er rip! I don’t know what was the switch that turned it on. I was super uptight and jittery going in and just tired of the whole thing. The T said that may have been a key – tired of fighting = ready to change the pattern. Not that it was a conscious choice…
Weird thing was – the moaning and sobbing and gut-wrenching gasps and red streaming eyes and snotty running nose felt just the same when I was reacting at different times to the agony of abuse by my step-father, grief of rejection by my mother, joy of my kids’ and wife’s love or hope for the future. Just like I said earlier about the SOUP - all the emotions seemed the same. BUT --- this time it wasn’t that they were all equally flat and dead and colorless. This time I was FEELING the emotions! I just couldn’t tell WHICH emotion it was I was feeling. My T says it will all eventually come into focus if I keep letting myself enter the experience. I just need practice.
When it was over, I felt refreshed and renewed and almost cleansed – lighter and more relaxed and less tense than I have been in months! I scooped up those disgusting wads of tissue and invented a little ritual by dropping each separately into the trash – stating that I was consciously and intentionally throwing away all the denial and repression and mis-naming and fear and rejection of emotional expression and experience.
I walked out of the office as though floating on air. I just wanted to savor the moment - or hour - or day… and hope I don’t do anything to screw it up. So far so good. I know there will be tough times ahead. But now I at least have hope that it can get better. This is a milestone I can identify and remember.
Wishing you ALL an oasis!
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"