<---If you look at my avatar, some have said I look like Opie Taylor(Andy Griffith Show) and in a way I was just as innocent then, maybe even more so than the character. And through my growing years into adulthood I have been reminded that I tend to look like Ron Howard. Especially if I wear a ball cap. People would walk up to me, ask if they should know me from somewhere. I immediately fulfill their suspicions and say "Ron Howard". YES...that's it. I don't see that much resemblence. Oh well. Just wish I had his paycheck!!! I digressed.......on to my story.
My story started back when I was 11 years old. A pivotal point in my eyes during my growing years. I was an innocent child and not knowing anything about sex and hadn't developed into puberty, yet I knew the difference between girls and boys. I came from a very conservative Christian background. I guess you could say I was an easy target, because I was so niave and friendly to anyone. I have had two different experiences, both of which are similar in that they dealt with people from the church. I now see the pattern as I grew up as having problems with men in authority. My first experience at age 11 was from an assistant Sunday school teacher who also was a college student. He was very liked and well known at the church and college and had lots of family ties. One time after sunday school he approached me and asked if I wanted to come over to his house to work on some sunday school projects to get some extra credit. Of course I thought nothing of it and I like the idea of getting extra credit. I wasn't the most studious kid and not the brightest. So having help with school work was good in my eyes. He said he would talk to my parents to get permission. He picked me up from my house on a particular night(not certain) to drive me to his house. He lived in a 3 story victorian house made into apartments. We walked into the lobby and the foyer had a bathroom. He excused himself and went in. He asked if I needed to go, and I nodded thinking, "sure why not". After that we walked upstairs to his apartment. We sat on his couch and cracked open the books to work on the Sunday school lessons. If I recall, there wasn't much to the lessons and it didn't take much time to get them done. What happened next was both feeling numb in the head and not knowing how to respond because it was the first time anyone has touched me. He proceeded to reach down to my crotch outside of my pants and asked, "Does that feel good?" I shrugged affirmation. He then unzipped my pants a little and reached his hand down my pants and fondled me. Again asking if it felt good. This time it tickled and I smiled and noticed that I was getting hard. That was something I don't recall happening to me before. Knowing that I got hard when he touched me, he asked me to get up and ushered me over to the bed(one room apartment). Still being innocent in my thinking and him being an authority figure, I obliged. Was always taught to respect my elders(even though he was only 10 years older than me). He layed down on the bed and patted beside him for me to lay down beside him. He again reached inside my pants to fondle me. I am sure at this point he was hard as well. He asked me to reach into his pants to feel his penis. All I could feel was hair. This was curious for me at this point. He told me to reach down farther. I don't recall fondling him that much. I retracted my hand. He then whipped out his penis and I am sure I was wide-eyed. "Watch what happens when I do this" he said as he stroked his erect penis. Soon he ejaculated. Not understanding what was going on I was curious. He asked me to get up and get him some tissue to wipe it. I told him I didn't understand what that was. So he zipped up his pants and he sat me down to tell me about the "birds and the bees". I think at that point he realized what he had done and he asked that I keep it our secret and I take my things and walk on home.
That was the longest walk home I can remember. I live in a small town and I only had to walk half a mile. The images of what happened going through my mind. What should I do? I just know that he asked me to keep it a secret and being an authority figure, I did. It was maybe a week or so and my dad called me into his office. My dad and I have a good relationship and he is really respectful and good-meaning father. He brought us up in a Christian home and I didn't know any different. But I look back on it that we lead a sheltered life. Anyhoo....He told me that this student had mentioned to him what he had done to me and was ashamed of it. My dad also told me the student told one other person, but remained a secret and that no one was to hear of it again. Again.....another secret to hide. I am beginning to see a pattern here. I had my suspicions. All my life I felt it was the Sunday School teach. It only made sense to me. The SS teacher was an elderly man(probably in his 50s at the time) and the nicest, most sincere Christian I have ever met. He went on to being my SS class sponser and sometimes we would have little class reunions. So there was one authority figure I knew I could trust. And I did all the way up to his death a year ago. I went to his funeral and prayed over him, still wondering if he was the one other person that knew of that secret that befell me so long ago. I vowed to keep it secret and I never talked about it. After my dad told me that he knew about my sexual encounter and that the student was not to be seen again at the college or church(don't know if he left on free will out of shame or if he was expelled), my dad proceeded to teach me the "birds and the bees". A bit late for that, ya think? He meant well.
After that experience, I kept my promise to keep it secret. What was hard was that the experience kept replaying over and over in my mind. I didn't feel violated because I didn't understand what was happening to me emotionally and physically. I started to act out what I experienced by rubbing my penis just as the Asst SST/student had done and found pleasure in it. I was still 11 and approaching 12. I was very aware of when I came into puberty because in my habit of masturbating I eventually ejaculated. I remember that day and my shock when it happened. I rushed to clean it up and still to keep what I was doing a secret. I didn't realize it was becoming a habit and didn't realize what I experienced was normal. I just knew I had to hide my emotions and physical abilties. I began noticing a change in me and my thought process as that CSA event kept repeating in my mind. I was very apprehensive of associating with boys or girls. And older guys scared me, yet I was drawn to them. I didn't know what was going on! Junior high years were tough and I didn't know what "gay" was. Again, my innocence was dominant in my nature. I wasn't tormented by hurtful words saying I was gay, but just by the actions of other boys and girls picking on me, I began to wonder what was wrong with me. It didn't bother me at all to know that my Jr. High science teacher was the older brother of my SA. But I often wondered if he was the secret person that was told. I never to this day have asked him about his brother and have never heard about him. But in my heart I have forgiven him for what he has done and with that I have peace.
High School years weren't any better. Bullying and the realization that I knew what gay was and then I started to think I was, but then it was not the lifestyle I wanted and my Christian background regected that notion. SO there was a constant battle between my emotions and my spirituality. Not to mention my physical being. I had taken up gymnastics back in Jr High and High School and have always loved it. That too got lots of ridicule from my peers. Didn't help my personna as not being gay. But I still rejected the idea even though I have had too many thoughts of sexual fantasies with boys and men during my school years. My timidity towards my male peers was probably noticed and they tended to not include me many activities. This same attitude carried on over into my church families and youth group.
Jump forward to when I was 18 and just out of HS and into college(affiliated with the church)This is another pivotal point in my growth and still innocent and immature. My habitual masturbating and lack of self confidence still had a hold on me. I was still very impressionable. I was involved in a church family day and was at an activity table. A man who was the organ player for the church came up to me and introduced himself. Again.....another church member and authority figure. He was about 20 years older than me, but didn't think anything of it. He invited me over to his house and me being a free spirit and "on my own"(yet still lived at home in this small community) I felt it was ok. He took me into his house and introduced me to his TV and humungous stereo system. A teenagers dream!! He fed me treats and we became "friends". He also was the person in town to go to for piano lessons. So he was also a respected member of the community. He had given lessons to several of my peers. And he used this fact to his advantage. After a couple of visits to his house he had asked me if I wanted a back rub. He mentioned he gave his students rubs. I felt this was ok. What happened in my past as an 11 year had not yet crept into my mind. Soon I found him asking if I wanted a full body massage. Never being the recipient of one, I entertained the idea. He asked me to come into his bedroom and lay on the bed for best comfort. Again, always the one to want to please those in authority, I did what was asked, not fighting the feelings and thoughts of my heart. The massage was nice. At this point I was completely relaxed. Knowing that I was compliant, he asked me to take off my clothes to get the full effect of the massage, giving some reason(can't remember) why it was better. Being the innocent one(altho stupid in my eyes now for letting it happen) I did disrobe. I lay back on the bed face down and let him massage me more. This totally aroused me and I knew that he noticed. Being confused to what was going on with my brain and body, I let him. He mentioned to me how hard I was getting. He had me turn over. From there he proceeded to rub me(sodomize) and I know it felt good, but I did nothing to stop it. Was it me who was wanting to feel this sexual experience(not knowing if I was gay or not, sexual identity issues) or me just being trusting in an adult male figure? He didn't let the sodomizing go too far. But I did leave the place, again confused to what was happening in my mind. I was 18, you think I would know better. But I think I let my emotions and physical being get in the way of my better judgement. Come time for college and I moved into the dorms and this just added fuel to my new found freedom as a young impressionable adult. I continued to see this man.
This sodomizing went on for a few months. Sometimes he kept rubbing me to the point of it hurting me for being erect for so long but not going to the point of ejaculation. One time I remember I did ejaculate and I let him get that far. Ever since my experience as an 11yo CSA, and abusing my body with the habit of masturbation I had wondered what real sex felt like. Could that be why I was letting him do this to me? That male urge for sex? And at such a turning point in my sexual life(they say men at 18-19 are at their sexual peak). My mind and body were still separated. I kept asking myself why I didn't stop this behavior. It was so wrong and what he was doing to me was wrong. Yet the battle in my mind was overwhelming.
This perp had asked me on several occasions if I wanted to take a shower with him. HUH??? I thought, even in my perverted mind that this was too creepy. I guess I was being self centered and wanted all the attention I was getting, even though it was damaging attention. I had no desire to touch him. I know he was taken aback by my constant refusals. Soon I was going over to his place not to have the good feeling of sodomy, but to do homework. Sometimes I stayed there late at night to get my work done, and him asking me to take a break and go to bed. I felt that his constant massages were beginning to take a toll on me physically and it was hurting. So maybe I FINALLY was rejecting the idea. I am sure he felt disappointed and maybe even hurt that I was using his place for a refuge for doing homework and not getting his thrills. After a while of not going back to his place, he had written me a letter. A LOVE letter stating his feelings. I dismissed it and didn't write him back and just stashed the letter in my drawer. At that point I was living back home with my parents, not in the dorm.
I will say this.......THANK GOD FOR PARENTS WHO GO THROUGH THEIR TEENAGERS DRAWERS AND SNOOP AROUND! My parents I am sure knew something was going on that wasn't right. Later they called me to discuss this letter with them. Immediately I let my emotions take over and broke down crying in my dad's arms. Not something I normally do. I told them how glad I was that they found that letter. I think it was a relief for me that someone cared enough to show me that they noticed me. And that hopefully I could be rid of the hurt. My parents reminded me of my CSA as an 11yo. They immediately called the pastor and even though it was 11pm, he agreed to talk with us. I told him what had happened with this man(didn't disclose my previous CSA) and gave me the option of what to do with this abuser: Expel him from the church and his duties or have the pastor talk to him and refuse him ever seeing or hurting me. Me being the nice guy and not wanting to hurt anyone, even though he hurt me physically and emotionally, I chose the latter. Over the few years of college I continued to go to the church and didn't have any brushes with the man. We went on with our own business.
Jump a few years and graduated college and finding my wife at that college I entered into married life. I can now see looking in the past that my sexual tendencies were perverse. Even the times I was with my wife before and ofter we married, I was confused on how to really have a healthy sexual relationship with a woman. It was skewed. We have been married 24 years, no kids, and I have many battles with God and my mind as to why this all happened to me. Was God punishing me? I kept wondering. What did I do to deserve this? This man that abused me at 18 is still in the town that I live, but I don't see him, but only if I am forced to go to where he works(local shop). He won't look me in the eye, but I will look at him, being the nice person I am. Not sure I have forgiven him. Maybe.
What I am experiencing now is going to take a long journey and step by step I know I will get through this.
Thank you everyone for your support.
The Flower Unfolding