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#370045 - 09/13/11 07:41 PM my story
AndrewT Offline


Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 25
Loc: Seattle, WA
I was molested by my grandfather when I was 12. I only have specific memories of one incident but I have vague recollections of others as well.

This was the start of my addiction to masturbation, pornography and various forms of sex that progressively continued until Dec 2009 when my wife of 15 years caught me in a lie and confronted me. I could no longer deny my sex addiction and I told her everything and started in therapy the next week. I have been actively going to therapy and Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings which have been hugely helpful. My wife and I divorced this summer and I no longer struggle with sexual sobriety - but now the real hard recovery work begins. After 18 months I have realized that I have never really dealt with or dug into my abuse and how I feel about it.

Over the last couple of months, at the encouragement of my therapist, I talked to my mom and my sister about my abuse. I still have not had the courage to talk to my father - that is much harder for me emotionally. He never remotely abused me, rather he was the opposite and was very emotionally aloof. My mother discussed it with my father after we talked and I have learned that my father was abused in the same way for years, my grandmother knew of the abuse and did nothing to stop it, and my grandfather abusing other boys was part of why he had trouble keeping a job when my dad was growing up.

This has caused a huge amount of emotional reaction for me that I did not see coming. It causes more questions than answers fo rme. I am angry that no one ever confronted my grandfather. He died in 1996 so now no one ever can. I am frustrated that my father hid all of this from our family until everything blew up for me.

I have so many questions about where to go from here. Who else in my family was affected? Shoudl I talk to them about it or let them process it in their own way? Should I try to remember more specifics about the details of my abuse? How far back does the abuse go - was my grandfather abused? Who else in my family knows about this and never discusses it?

Anyway, I was very, very happy to find this forum of guys that have gone through a similar situation. It will be very nice to form some relationships with other guys here that have been through this and learn from the experience, strength and hope that they have found in their own recovery process.

Thanks guys.

_________________________
I will be patient with myself and let myself heal from my abuse according Gods plan and not my own.

“You can get the child out of abuse, but getting the abuse out of the child is a different ball game.”

My story: http://tinyurl.com/AndrewTStory

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#370062 - 09/13/11 11:58 PM Re: my story [Re: AndrewT]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 267
Loc: Undisclosed
hello andrew. welcome to ms.

i am moved by what you shared. it was a terrible thing to have happen to you and to be abandoned like that by your father, that is something i can relate to.

keep coming back here and you will gain so much.


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#370064 - 09/14/11 12:53 AM Re: my story [Re: AndrewT]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Welcome AndrewT.

I am glad that you have joined us here to continue your journey of recovery.

I had to become an alcoholic and join AA before i was able to find the courage to tackle this CSA business. I have made great progress through AA and i applaud your courage to get help through SAA. It is amazing how much those tools and 12 steps are able to empower me in recovery from the CSA.

I live down the road from you in Puyallup. Maybe some day we might be able to get together and share our experience, strength and hope. I have met several good men from this area and it has been a good thing to be able to meet men from here face to face.

I am glad that you are getting the good guidance from a T (therapist). I wish you the best in your pursuits. I hope to meet you in chat sometime.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#370067 - 09/14/11 01:46 AM Re: my story [Re: AndrewT]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Andrew

Sorry that this is your life story, but welcome to MS.
Reading your story, my first reaction was that your father to was abused and this was confirmed a short sentence later.
Remember that the same feelings that you had about your abuse, your father has carried for many more years.
He also carries the guilt of not being more emotionally involved with you, and the fact that he was powerless to prevent this happening to you. Perpetrators hold an incredible power over their victims. So this added guilt is an incredible burden to carry for so many years.
I think that this is a great opportunity, for your father and yourself to heal together. Talk to him and share your story, talk about group together, and healing and forgiving one another.

Remember that he also has a lot of healing to do.
I would suggest that you work on your own recovery first, and your fathers, before you approach the rest of the family.
If it happened to your father and you, chances are that the uncles and cousins were also affected.

I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive him for his lack of action, and that you both find healing and recovery by talking about it

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#370078 - 09/14/11 05:15 AM Re: my story [Re: AndrewT]
ANDREW63 Offline


Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi Andrew, Thankyou for sharing your story ,if you have read the introductions section you may have noticed my post where i have told my story of my CSA by my grandfather ,i was only 8 when it first occured until i was 11 years old and i have had to keep my secret for 40 years,i haven't been able to reveal my story to my father as i am too concerned what effect it would have on him or to my family ,i have only now been able to discuss my pass with my counsellor and my phsyciatrist ,the advice that i have received here has been extemely helpful,cheers Andrew.

_________________________
LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

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#370083 - 09/14/11 08:12 AM Re: my story [Re: ANDREW63]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Wcome Andrew-

I can relate to a lot of your experience-my compulsive sexual conduct almost ruined my marriage and certainly undermined my ability to face my real problems_ the 12 steps Programs redeemed me and helped me reclaim the man I am-and discard the false beliefs, despair, and shame i held into so fearfully.

Ill share more later-or u can see my posts when u click on my user name.

Welcome to recovery!

Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#370084 - 09/14/11 08:31 AM Re: my story [Re: Mountainous Buck]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Andrew.

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends (in pain).

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You are already on it.

Also a victim of incest. I have a compulsive addiction to M'ing for all of my life. Including while I was married.


As you can see you have a lot of company here. We can make this journey to recovery together.

My fraternal brother, Andrew, heal well. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#370088 - 09/14/11 10:09 AM Re: my story [Re: petercorbett]
IrishDadTx Offline


Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 53
Loc: Texas
Hey Andrew - Sorry all of this happened to you. My perp was the same, my grandfather. From what I now know, he reeked havoc all over the family. He's dead & gone and I realized reaching out to family is not an option.

I was most struck by your divorce. My heart goes out to you. I know that is recent and it's got to be hard after struggling for so long.

Hang in there and stay in touch with the great guys on this forum and keep working with your therapist. You've made the most important step in your life -- getting help. Things will get better. Ask anyone here.

Best,
K


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#370130 - 09/14/11 08:59 PM Re: my story [Re: AndrewT]
AndrewT Offline


Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 25
Loc: Seattle, WA
Thanks so much everyone for the replies. It is truly amazing the support from all of you and will definitely keep coming back for continued support.

_________________________
I will be patient with myself and let myself heal from my abuse according Gods plan and not my own.

“You can get the child out of abuse, but getting the abuse out of the child is a different ball game.”

My story: http://tinyurl.com/AndrewTStory

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#370176 - 09/15/11 01:04 PM Re: my story [Re: AndrewT]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Andrew

You never know, you will probably go an to heal and dispense wisdom of your own on this site.
Look forward to your next post

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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