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#352665 - 02/02/11 10:24 PM DID crap... not trying to make sense...
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
just need to say this

To dissociate means we are different. yes, we are not stupid, daniel knows we need to leave but how would J know if he isn’t aware of …so many things?

Who is J (he wouldn’t want to be named here)

J is the original. (meaning the body was named J and it was called J and it was only J until J split when he was around 15 months old or so (we think that’s the first partition because there are 3 alters of 15, 20 and 23 months old).

J never noticed any of the abuse. J only enjoyed the good part of everything. J still has a drug addiction problem and self harm. He can’t imagine why. He don’t believe what the others say. He knows we are multiple but he is convinced it is due to a genetic condition (father has it too) and doctor explained it could be (Actually papers say it could be due to natural predisposition or due to trauma at early age, good source).

J is practicing with father. He’s doing great. He’s skilled for business. He had a great score at SAT simulation.(how?? We drop school!, ok we are having lessons now but still…) Father wants him to follow his steps.

J is dating a girl. J is good looking. J swims plays tennis and soccer

J blacks out a lot. Everyone is worried about him.
When J “blacks out” is because Daniel is up. Or Charles. Or John. John is up when father comes at night but Daniel knows he came… Charles believes what Daniel says , but J don’t notice.

L. is bright at science. Seriously. He want to go to med school. And he’s quite good.

J has so many responsibilities. He will be a member of the club in December. He has so many things to do. He wants to shut the voices in his head, as he calls us. He won’t get out of home.

Who is me? (Daniel)

Am I not the original? I have been in the front of the system since the body (and i) were 15 years old… 3 years. We started dealing with all this. We were diagnosed, we took charge of everything, we almost died 6 times trying to survive … now we are told we’re just alters… some kind of fake people…ghosts
(we, mean Daniel and Charles, always together)

“Daniel, you need to get out of there..”

I know, but how?!? I’m just a fuckin ghost

#352666 - 02/02/11 10:33 PM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

Here are some conclusions that may not be correct:

Daniel is the one who remembers abuse. Daniel is easy to talk to and feels compassion for people.

J doesn't care about people but he's quite smart at business and gets along with the higher ups.

L is analytical but doesn't get much voice in things.

What do you say? Did they keep maturing after they came about or did they remain the same age as when they came out?

Do they ever talk together?

Do they ever think that they would be stronger if they worked together instead of separately?


#352669 - 02/02/11 10:41 PM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: pufferfish]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
they kept growing up.. kinda

there are two J, one is 15 months old, he knows how partition started but he can't talk yet .. he's a baby. the second J grows.. he's same age as body, 20 now

daniel doesnt remember everything but has a pretty good idea.

J is a good person too we think .. he's got friends. but .. well can't give away too much info here , it's too public..

J doesnt talk with anybody. we have counted 37. some more are hidden. some are incomplete.

head hurts

#352673 - 02/03/11 12:30 AM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
When my amnesia lapsed and I remembered all the abuse from age 12, then I realized that I was still the boy Buzzy. That was who I felt I really was and who I wanted to be. Buzzy had all the gruesome memories of horrible abuse. I thought that from that time onward, Buzzy would start aging and get more mature but not so. That was really surprising to me. Buzzy stayed separate and stayed a child until I received EMDR therapy.

Wow! Adult Allen seemed less important than boy Buzzy. It was really weird. A few years later I worked with a T who found I had split off some more during some other abusive events when I was a kid. Those kids were easily "healed" or united with the main whatever.

It helped me a lot to read the book by Robert Oxnam, A Fractured Mind. My experience was kind of similar to his. Interesting book.


#352675 - 02/03/11 12:52 AM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: pufferfish]
DarkSouls Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/03/08
Posts: 8
I'm also DID and in my experience it's really not possible to do healing until your away from unsafe people and those who hurt you. I know it's hard, but it's extremely, extremely important.


#352718 - 02/03/11 07:04 PM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: DarkSouls]
Geist Offline

Registered: 12/09/10
Posts: 25
Loc: Virginia,US
Omg, man. In can say nothing but you need some real help. I didn't know it was this bad. I do want to say this. There IS only one you. All the DID stuff aside, I know its a mental condition but you need to find the "you" that you seemed to have lost or got confused. Damn, I don't think I'm doing much good here. And I may not fully understand it, but we don't have "ghosts" as you say inside us. Just fragments scattered by a horrible experience.

#352719 - 02/03/11 07:11 PM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: Geist]
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado
I don't know the first thing about DID but I do know this - giving a voice to what hurts, giving a voice to our past - that is important and brave work. This post is an act of bravery, courage, strength and a step toward healing all your selves. I respect and thank you.


I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#352744 - 02/03/11 09:37 PM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: Survivinguy]
Awake at Last Offline

Registered: 12/12/10
Posts: 77
Loc: Chicago Land
So I have a question. Does J remember what's been going on? You say that he is not aware of many things? Does he remember the abuse, the things that Daniel remembers?

If J doesn't remember, he can't really make good decisions. The way you describe J he is just going along trying to have a life, but he can't really do that because he is not aware of so many things.

Daniel, you are not a ghost. Maybe J is a ghost. He sounds like an empty shell. You have taken charge before to save things. Can you take charge again? You are not an alter. You are the one who is aware of what is going on.

You can put everything/everyone together. J can't.

I hope you are doing better.

Edited by Awake at Last (02/03/11 09:38 PM)

#352843 - 02/05/11 01:11 AM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: Awake at Last]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I was browsing books on DID in Amazon. I came upon a bunch of books about how our Intelligence Agency experimented with DID around the time I was a teenager. I don't know how long it went on or whether they are still doing it.

They called it MKUltra or something like that. They had several names for the effort. It was supposedly a big deal. Their goal was to be able to produce DID in some people who would then have an alter (alternate personality) not even known to them. The goal was to have such a person respond to a secret "trigger" not even known consciously to them. Upon receiving that signal, they were supposed to murder some targeted person. Then they would switch back to their previous self and not even know they did anything. They called the person the Manchurian Candidate.

They actually recruited some important psychologists to help with the effort. They expended considerable resources and even tried various combinations of drugs to try to enhance the effort. They actually experimented with real people in these efforts (according to the books I looked at).

In order to produce a Manchurian candidate, they had to use various combinations of torture. Some people believe that DID can only be effectively produced in a small child and after that it becomes quite difficult. That agrees with what I have read. The people I know of who have DID all had it produced in them when they were small children.

It seems that when we are very young and subjected to severe abuse, the personality can split off. I think it's something like when a small child has the ability to make up an imaginary friend. And then it progresses. When the abuse comes, they become the other child to absorb the abuse. When it's over, they revert to the previous personality. They have amnesia toward the abusive event. They don't want to know about it. They don't want to have it in their memory. The more the abuse happens, the stronger this mechanism becomes. If it involves physical torture beyond sexual abuse then the DID structure can become more and more elaborate. It becomes the main coping mechanism of the child and then later the adult. Some people (rarely) can have over 100 alters or alternate personalities. Most of these would be "children" or even fragments. A fragment consists of an alter who didn't get "lived in" very much and so they aren't very well developed as personalities.

The adult person who has such DID sometimes realizes they need therapy to undo the damage done to their personality. They still have that same mechanism they had as a small child. If they were subjected to horrible abuse, the child alter may not even mature. That is what happened to me. I had a 12-year-old alter named Buzzy. He (I) remained 12 for a long, long time. When they are put in a tight spot or under a lot of stress, they tend to actually create another personality or alter to handle the situation. DID becomes their main coping mechanism. To undo this, the T (therapist) has to actually work with them to teach them new coping skills. They have to "meet" the wounded alters. When they begin to realize what's going on then the different alters can become unified and the person moves toward being an integrated personality.

The story is told in the book and movie, Sybil.

In the excellent book: A Fractured Mind, by Robert B. Oxnam, he describes in a most interesting way how he was sitting in his psychiatrist's office and he suddenly became an 11-year-old boy, Bobby. As his therapy progressed, his T found that he had a number of other "alters". It is most interesting. He never gets very much into the abuse that produced this condition in himself - just enough to tell the reader the outline of what happened. So the book isn't about abuse, it's about the therapy and the various alters that were produced in one very intelligent man and how he dealt with life with having that condition.


aka pufferfish whistle

#352848 - 02/05/11 03:44 AM Re: DID crap... not trying to make sense... [Re: pufferfish]
1FuriousBadger Offline

Registered: 02/01/11
Posts: 12
Loc: States
I don't have a T. I haven't been diagnosed with DID. I can see evidence of it though in my life. So I am no expert in this really. The way I viewed this behavior is hard to explain for me. I didn't have a father, mother was very emotionally abusive to me and my brothers. No positive attention, I learned to meet my needs by being funny or whatever to get attention. I knew different people and what made them laugh and what they liked and didn't like. I would then cater to a person, put on a mask of what I thought they wouldn't mind. So I could find acceptance and fellowship. I compromised my own identity at a young age to get affection from people.
Prior to that is all blocked out though, my dad sexually abused me as a baby I think, but don't remember, and my first memories of him are smacking me across the room. So I am sure the DID syndrome was planted in me early. I just viewed it as a way to navigate through the waters of life. It was only when I noticed other people always acted the same and I didn't and I couldn't do anything about it did I realize I was in deep water over my head.

I am praying for you all. Pray for me too.

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