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#339240 - 08/30/10 11:25 AM When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide...
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Has anyone read “When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation” by Cecil Murphey ?

This book is by a Christian and I'm afraid it might really speak to only certain Christian people. I detect certain themes that I don't agree with or activate the chip on my shoulder I have for Christians. I don't mean to offend. This is my issue here. Also, I've just looked at the book very briefly, so I really do not at all know.

I looked at a few pages (for free at amazon) in the chapter on "The other victim" (you, the partner). Good stuff. How important it is to be very careful what you say. All the traps there. Avoid anything that might sound like disbelief! Our doubts will have us almost looking for that.

One thing I didn't see was a frank discussion on the option, thoughts to not stay with this person. All the outrage at suddenly having this ugly, huge issue intrude into you relationship. It's very hard for me, a male survivor, to talk about but this comes up a lot doesn't it? How do you handle this? How would you as a survivor want someone to handle it? I guess this is just really sad, but I'd like the partner to try to take a lot of this stuff elsewhere. Get help themselves elsewhere. The book does clearly say to get help here. Hearing this from my partner left me feeling just so damaged, hopeless I'd ever be able to have a relationship, just awful.

The total emphasis on what the partner should do for the survivor strikes me as going to the point of caretaking. A underlying belief that her needs don't matter, his do. Sometimes women just can't do this. There needs DO matter. I always say, it eventually dawns on partners how huge a deal this is. When they finally really realize this ain't going away any time soon nor easily, they struggle with victimization. In fact. It may never go away. The survivor is just in a terrible position to help or deal with it.

It also looks like there are some hard issues that aren't dealt with in detail, glossed over or avoided. Sexual acting out that looks like homosexuality. Wives might find this downright repugnant. And infidelity. Wives might really have a HUGE problem dealing with that. I was left thinking, Wow. It's a lucky guy whose wife just calmly accepts his pain no matter what, patiently accepts where he's at, can be his rock of constant love and acceptance, but that sounds unrealistic and even likely to cause trouble.

Maybe this book is good. Maybe it shows just how difficult this is going to be. But maybe it's just too tall an order for many people.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#367794 - 08/09/11 05:52 PM Re: When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide... [Re: LandOfShadow]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
i finished this book today and am going to write a book review. I liked the book, but your concerns are valid. It is apologetically Christian (as am I).

There is no significant discussion of acting out behaviors like pornography and cheating is not mentioned at all.

As the spouse of a survivor who suffers from porn addiction and who cheated on me with multiple women, it would have been nice to have an unsanitized look at the issue of male CSA, but it doesn't make the information that is provided less useful.

This book only approaches the topic of providing support from the perspective of the survivor. The only mention of self-care for the woman in the survivor's life is to suggest therapy for her to help her deal with helping him (catch that?).

Those complaints aside, the bulk of the book is really a basic primer to CSA and its effects. I found this part fascinating. Prior to reading this book, the only other book I've read to explain how CSA manifests itself in the adult, has been a clinical manual which although helpful, is a tough, tough read. This book is very easy to read. It explains concepts, symptoms, issues and more in simple terms that a non-survivor can relate to. That part alone is worth the price of admission.

I would recommend this book, even to nonbelievers provided the>
Wife of a survivor


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