i almost think like im not allowed to talk about the good stuff mark and i did because its really taboo here. and if i do bring it up no one can relate. and it makes me feel worse about it all. im probably opening up a huge can of worms here. but here goes.

i dont even know where to start on this. i think what drew me to mark was his ability to listen. yeah. i know.. he can listen cause hes a perp and la la la. but im putting all the survivor bullshit aside for a sec. i was really intrigued by him when i first met him. i thought he was so fucking cool. and yah, i thought he was really hot. when he started showing me attention i was thrilled because i wanted to be with him. near him. whatever. One of the first times we talked, he dared me that i couldn't get him to cum when i sucked him off. to me, it was a challenge and i was desperate to do it. not only because i wanted to be his friend, but because i thought he was hot shit. if the opportunity presented itsself to any horny guy, he would have done it to. needless to say, i got him off. and we started hanging out more after that. it wasn't awkward. it wasn't perpish. we talked about a lot of different things. sex didn't really play into it. it was more about life. and goals. he was always telling me that i have so much potential and that i can do anything.

he did ask me eventually to do a screen test for his business. and i accepted. this probably seems pervy. and maybe it is. (i wrote about this a fucking long time ago here in the survivor stories.it was one of my first posts.) anyway. im not going to lie about it. it hurt. and i cried. not because he was being all pervy but because anal sex hurts. haha. he kept asking me if i wanted to stop. and i said no. because i didn't want it to. this whole experience was done with dildos. he didn't physically penetrate me.

fast forward a bit. we still hung out after the whole screen test thing. i was at his house one night and i brought up the subject of sex. i was asking him about his sex life. and if he preferred to top and bottom. i was mostly looking for information. i had heard these terms thrown around and didn't have any real sexual experience besides what we had done. he got into this long winded story about his past boyfriends. i asked him if he would consider having sex with me. he said he would think about it, that he usually didn't date younger guys but that he liked me. (which i believe is true. his other boyfriends were all older and i was the only one he had sex with from "work") he ended up picking me up from school the following day and took me out to dinner. he said he wanted it to be special. over dinner we talked about the possibily of us growing our relationship to more than just friends and more than just boss/worker. (i hadnt started "working" for him yet) and he was saying that he felt like he shouldn't date me because i am young, but he was attracted to me. i told him that maybe we should just take it one day at a time and see what happens, but that i was really into him and wanted him to be my first. we finished eating and went back to his house where we popped in a movie. during the movie i was the one who started snuggling with him. my hand was on his thigh. by the end of the movie my head was in his lap. i sat up and started to kiss him. which we hadnt done before. i asked him again if he would have sex with me. i said to him that i wanted him to show me everything. we went into the bedroom and mark undressed for me. this was the first time i had seen him completely naked. he was so fucking hot. he helped me take off mine. he walked me through everything. told me to tell him to stop if it hurt. and he listened. took us a couple of tries before he was able to penetrate me. it wasn't rough. i didn't cry. he was kissing me and i was kissing back the whole time. and after we just laid there. he held me. and we talked. for like ever. i remember him spooning me and just rubbing my tummy. neither one of us showered right after.

that was typically what happened. we would have sex. like two normal people. the thing that gets me, if i told you that story and you didn't know mark was 35 and i was 14, it would be like just two people having sex. i was the one who got him to go along with the idea of sex. of dating me. of everything. i get that he was using guys in his porn ring. but he didn't have sex with them. they had sex with each other. so.. i dont know if he is some big old perv who gets his rocks off to kids. i dont really know what to think. i think i knew from day one that i had feelings for him. and most days i think he had feelings back. (unless im on here and everyone tells me otherwise.)